Resting IN, (and not fighting) the Hard Days:

My Hard Days continue through the night, where Pain keeps me awake and frustrated. Sometimes I feel a bit Broken by it.

Most of the time I get on here, ready to just spill my guts and then I stop myself because I don’t want to complain.  It can be easier to just withdraw and hide. Since it’s a beautiful sunny day and a perfect time to air out the house, I thought I’d open up the window into my little world for a moment and let the fresh air flush out that stuffy feeling.

The Pain seldom stops when I sit or lay down. You think that would bring an element of ease, however the throbs and aches and screaming pangs of Rheumatoid Arthritis seem to have a mind of their own, despite my efforts of a fortress of pillows for propping, or an intention to seek relief. Sometimes this helps a bit, and the pain level may go down from a 9 to an 8, but most of the time it just rambles on.

You can imagine the frustration of seeking comfort and it just always being out of your reach.

It can be draining and wearisome, then it enters hopelessness and a giving up, eventually adjusting to some freakish resolve to just accept that the pain is there and I must somehow try to live my life standing on top of it and not buried by it. I need to get to that place – the Intentional decision that Despite it, I Can find something, sometimes ANYTHING to hold onto to rise above it. It is not a good thing to let it take over completely. Easy to write about; not so easy to do.

I am in a battle, whether it’s in the mind or in my body. My great revelation for today is this: Resting IN, (and not fighting) the hard days.

This doesn’t mean that I am giving up or swimming in a pool of self-pity. This doesn’t mean that I am useless and unworthy, nor does it give reason to be hard on myself (Thank you Suzanne!).

This means that I can let everything go and my bubble world will not explode or fall apart. I deserve to slow down and simplify. I am NOT defeated. I am just choosing to listen to my body that needs to stop doing so much. Funny how this removes me from Performance and Plunks me right smack dab in the middle of Relationship…

Funny how it’s the Hard Nights that cause me to reflect and be Thankful for the Moments when Comfort comes easier. Out of Brokenness comes a Thankful heart for the things like crawling into bed and finding comfort and actually being able to sleep for a few hours.

I am choosing today, to be Thankful that I’ve only had a few hard days this month. Usually, I only have a few Good ones.

Am I in Transition? Oh no! Could I be Hoping?

I am a masked crusader in my kitchen. In my imaginary lab coat and chef’s hat I create and invent new ways to manipulate RAW food into savory delights that my family will eat, and then ask for again. Yes, I even have my own evil chuckle and grin when I think about it…

Eating RAW is a mission and commitment that takes TIME. Lack of it, is the easiest excuse to not partake. So, in my busy little bubble of home schooling and writing and managing arthritis, I have come to the conclusion that if there will be RAW, it will be EASY. Here are a few easy things you CAN do to get more RAW food into your family’s diet.

Soaking:  It is super easy to soak some cashews or quinoa and then have it for the week.

Soak cashews overnight and then drain and rinse them. They will keep in the fridge in an airtight container for at least 4-5 days. Throw some soaked cashews into smoothies for extra protein and a creamy texture, or blend them up in a dip for veggies.

Soak quinoa overnight and drain and rinse it.  Let it sit in a colander under a towel for a day or two and it will sprout. Sprouted quinoa will last a week in the fridege in an airtight container.  I like to add a couple spoonfulls into my salads and it is really quite filling.  I made a raw lemon tahini sauce this week and put it over sprouted quinoa with some chopped red bell peppers, celery, grated carrots, and avocado.  It was amazing! I also added about a cup of sprouted quinoa into my Buckwheat Bliss cookies. Nobody knew the difference. (Insert evil chuckle here).

One of my greatest, easiest finds this past month that has become a staple in my home, is the “RAW MEAL Organic Meal Replacement” by Garden of Life. It is available at the Health Food store. It is high in protein and contains all RAW Organic Sprouts, Seeds and Greens, and is gluten-free! I mix a Tablespoon into a glass of orange juice, add it to smoothies, and sneak it into my toddler’s almond milk. It makes me HAPPY! Here’s the link to check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Garden-Life-RAW-Meal-2-6lb/dp/B0031JK95S

I am on a path to find love. I have the ability to love others, and give myself away in love. I have experienced what it is like to love the unlovable. I enjoy the feeling of love, and all that is required to love. Honestly though, I do not know how to love myself. I have partnered with self-hatred too long, and I have a really hard time receiving love.

Does it really matter that I have to squeeze into my clothes? Does it really matter that I have dark circles under my eyes, purplish swollen ankles, and a penguin limp? Are my imperfections so vast that I allow my mistakes, blemishes and frizz to destroy the beauty and life in a day? It’s a path to self-destruction when we choose to focus on what we don’t have, what hasn’t happened yet, or dreams we never followed. The stronghold of self-hatred presents itself when I forget who I am and the Destiny that cries out within me.

I often hear, “If you know your identity, then you wouldn’t feel this way.” Probably so. Therefore, I am on a journey to rediscover (not reinvent) myself, and what makes me tick.

All I gotta say for now, is that it is not easy.

When I am in the midst of a giant battle to love myself, especially this body that just seems so dysfunctional and is always in pain with every movement, it is ALL I can do to just STOP and Breathe.

I ask myself this question: What can I be Thankful for?

Sometimes my answer is that I am upright and breathing. Hey- that’s a pretty big one!

Thankfulness is one of my greatest weapons. It has the ability to defeat those microscopic imperfections in our lives. It leads me into Joy, even in the darkest and most painful times. It is like an eraser of circumstances. Thankfulness turns the night into dawn and shines light into the hidden places.

So how can I learn to love myself right where I’m at?

I think I just need to start with Thankfulness.

I found myself in a web of tangled judgement. The kind that squelches and strangles the most joyous of occasions. Ew, the things that were coming out of my head, and my mouth! They felt gross, it felt WRONG but I could not help feel them. It came from a place of pain in my own life. Yet that didn’t make it right. Oh it was so not fun to walk in that! I am cringing at the memory of it.

Yes, so the point is, I knew it wasn’t right and I had to fight against those ugly things that were coming out of me. It was painful, Yes. Standing there and facing that stuff, admiting it, dealing with it, genuinely repenting for it. Still couldn’t shake it. Not until I invited some of my closet friends to speak into my life about it. There’s just something about confessing your transgressions to the people you trust. Especially when you listen and receive change. It was hard to admit out loud that I was going through this. Was it Worth it?

Hell, Yeah!

Oh, the Joy! The Glorious, Dancing, Fresh kind of Joy  ~like the smell of pikake or ginger on a humid Hawaiian day. (Insert cheese ball music here)

Like Leaping from a Spider web.

Folks, I am feeling some Freedom! Sometimes you got just to accept, “It’s not my problem, and it’s not my burden to carry.”   Sometimes you just got to receive “It’s not your problem, and it’s not your burden to carry.” And then, you just gotta be Thankful “It’s not my problem, it’s not my burden to carry.” It’s one of those beautiful puzzle pieces in The Saviour’s heart.

Maybe some of those Faith seeds have begun to sprout. They are crying out for water. That my Friends, Feels the Best!

Being Relational is hard, especially if you are task oriented. It’s fun, but it doesn’t come natural. I have to be intentional, especially with my kids, and especially when I am Home schooling…

This week my life has been turned upside down and inside out because of my toddler’s sickness. Stopping everything completely to just “be” is such a foreign idea to me. It mostly happens when I finally realize I just need to let go. No, I mean REALLY let go.

That is the revelation I got for this week.  I have not been able to look at my weekly planner,check off my “to do” list, keep previous engagements, or do much of anything except hold and rock my nearly 30 pound little dude. Home school? Nope. Couldn’t handle it. Making food and sticking to really great food choices? Nope. No time. My well-oiled machine of a household became mighty dysfunctional as I just had to stop fighting reality and just fully embrace the situation. (Well, really, we survived, but I just didn’t get a whole lot done.)

It is easy to sit here and feel like I got robbed of my week. BUT instead, I will choose to focus on the things I DID do, and laugh at the rest of it.  I will save you the play-by-play of my psycho Mom moments where frazzled nerves got the best of me. BUT I will say, they were not as bad as they could have been had I left my agenda in its usual place, high up on the pedastool, where unreachable expectations manage to invade…

Ew. Not this week. Revelations come in many perspectives, sometimes needed to be drilled so deep through a mighty wall of layers. Sometimes it takes complete brokenness to open the eyes of your heart in order to receive.

I decided to just be… More Relational. Something that gets lost in my day because I am usually functioning at 30% of an average person. So I push myself to “make up for it” and end up wearing myself out. Not this week, well, at least not for those reasons!

My baby just needed me. My husband was Amazing and he helped out alongside me night after night. Then Abraham played the Inevitable “Mom card,” the one that says, “Mom only. Nothing else will do.”  Enter the Brokenness.

It hurts. Yet it is such a Beautiful place to be. Lots can happen when you just stop and just be. Relational.

But this is one thing I will not write on my list… I want it to come from my heart.

Have YOU eaten your buckwheat today?

“Once, tice,… fee times a mady”…  Sorry friends, I just couldn’t resist!

My husband loves it, my kids are eating it by the hand-fulls, and it is one of my most amazing discoveries of this past year!  It gives you an insane energy boost, and it has tremendous health benefits- like regulating good/bad cholesterol. It’s happy heart food.  It’s full of protein, for it has all 8 of the amino acids to form a complete protein. So why eat buckwheat? Well, why not?

Buckwheat is a fruit seed, not a grain!  It is even gluten-free! Woo-hoo! Most people have eaten it in Kashi cereal, but I wanted to just post a recipe for some Cocoa Peanut Butter Buckwheat Crispies. Kashi is great, but it’s roasted and has more of a bitter taste. I’ve been experimenting with RAW buckwheat groats, and let me tell you, they are truly divine!

I’m in love with  RAW food, and how it makes me feel.  I am all about the easy way to get more RAW in my family’s diet. Soaking and dehydrating raw buckwheat groats sounds like a lot of work, and it kinda feels like it, but once you make a giant batch, it lasts awhile, as long as you give your husband weekly rations. Josh would eat the whole batch in a week if I let him.

RAW Cocoa Peanut Butter Buckwheat Crispies

4 cups raw buckwheat groats, (these have been soaked overnight, rinsed well, and then dehydrated at 105 for 4-5 hours)

1 cup organic cocoa powder- unsweetened and non-alkaline

1 cup of your favorite nut butter- I like peanut butter, because cocoa and peanut butter just share a heavenly union of wedded bliss. Try almond butter if you want to be truly raw.

1 cup grade b maple syrup- why grade b? check out my friend Katie’s blog: http://www.riddlelove.com/2010/11/7-reasons-to-choose-grade-b-maple-syrup.html

1 cup chopped coconut, or shredded- this really makes it good!

1 tsp sea salt

1 tsp cinnamon- cuz, ya know, why not?

Mix up this glorious concoction and just try NOT to devour it! I dehydrated mine as cookies for another couple hours, and make a sheet of cereal which is also my secret ice-cream topping… Shhhh~ sprinkle it on top of coconut bliss for an Amazing vegan and gluten-free treat!

Stay tuned for next time when I talk about sprouting alfalfa…



I am Passionate about feeding my family healthy. I get excited about high quality, organic produce, picked within 24 hours of delivery. All the beautiful colors of fresh, seasonal fruits and veggies INSPIRE me to Create!  It is my Heart for my Family, as you can see… It turns into a game for me, and I LOVE it! If it’s prepped and ready to go in the fridge, I am more likely to eat it!

Abundant Harvest Organics is Ready and Waiting to come back to Redding (and Chico too) my friends! The sooner we get people to sign up it will be here!

If money is tight, split a box with a friend! It is a Phenomenal deal and you get Tons of Happy, Fresh ORGANIC produce from the gool ‘ol USA!

You can view what’s in this week’s box and shop accordingly.  Teach your kids to make healthy choices! Cook together and it becomes Beautiful Family time!

So sign up already! Go to the website and click on “Subscriber sign up.” Find the delivery in your area! View this week’s box and Get Inspired to eat Healthy!

http://www.abundantharvestorganics.com/

I want to grow. I want to change. I feel a bit broken.

I am in a place where I just need to take ownership. Owning it does nothing for you if you fail to change your heart.

I do not want to be critical. I do not want to be jealous. I do not want to miss out on my kids’ childhood because I am stuck in performance mode. The truth is, I fight these things all the time. I do not want to be a complainer. I would LOVE to control my mouth and NOT look like an ass. Yet I keep finding myself in moments where a muzzle would be preferred.

I will never be perfect. Yet I desire more. I have the hardest time receiving love, or anything good.  Something negative and I soak it up like a sponge. So where does that leave me? Undeserving? Unworthy? Isn’t that the point? So much Grace and Unconditional Love thrown at you, accessible to all who Believe. His heart is full for ME, yet I continue to build walls. I am a professional…

This is not a pity party and I am not a victim. I am just facing some harsh realities. The question becomes, “What will I do with it?” Will I flop like a fish on the ground or get up again and move forward. Will it be the walk of shame, or the convicted shuffle? Am I allowed to smile in the process or must I have a sorrowful disposition? One day soon, I will just be able to laugh.

Facing the pain. Sit in it for a bit, let it sink in, and let the LOVE change your heart.

Humility and ownership bring freedom….eventually.

I WANT to grow. I WANT to change. I do not want to be stagnant. I want to work on my stuff instead of letting my issues breed like rabbits. When the fruit is nasty and rotting, you just gotta prune that branch.

My heart has good intentions. I don’t want to hurt people. Yet even though intentions are good, it doesn’t prevent hurt.

I’ve messed up a lot this past week.  I mean A LOT!  I have been quite humiliated. Ummmm, INTENSELY humiliated. The good news is that I am NOT there anymore. I learned from it. Quite an expensive lesson…but I learned something. Once you’re owned it and received it, you just gotta MOVE ON!

What CAN I do?

I CAN grow. I CAN change. I CAN give myself a bit of grace. I can repent, apologize, and take responsibility. Then a Beautiful, Glorious thing happens…

Freedom.

…and maybe with the Freedom, comes a little of that Amazing, Unconditional LOVE, and the slightest ability to just receive it, maybe just a little bit…

I’ve been doing pretty good, back on the gluten-free diet, eating mostly Raw and trying to be more active.  For me, being active starts with just walking up and down my street.  Even halfway counts if it’s one of *those* days.  I’ve made all these changes in hopes to get strong, and get strong FAST!  I realize this will take time, but I am just very EXCITED and EAGER to get on LIVING my life!  I’ve got two boys to chase! C’mon!

I’ve fallen 4 times this past month.  It’s a tad bit discouraging, because it really hurts.  Also, it’s just a wake-up call for how far I really need to go, how much ground I need to “take back.” The good news is that even though I fell all these times, I was ABLE to get up!  Now, this may sound obvious to most people who fall, you just get up again.  Well, if you have a strange combination of parts that aren’t moving and bound with pain, it’s just not so easy.

When we were living in our coffee shack in Hawaii, I decided to go sit outside and get some fresh air while Elijah was napping.  He was probably 5 or 6 months old.  At this time, my knees were swollen bigger than my thighs, and my hands and wrists were so bad, I had people come help me lift and move my baby around.  You just find a different way to do things because you have to.  I learned to pick him up with my forearms and chin.  Yes, I’m just That talented.

So, this beautiful fine day I decided to do my graceful “fall” into the hammock in our yard.  It caught me, and I enjoyed the fresh air and the quiet moment.  As I tried to get up, I fell out of the hammock and landed on my rear-end. Ouch!  I tried to get up. Frustrated and crying, I continued to roll and move and get myself into some kind of position to get up.  Nothing!

I cried, had my pity party, and then prayed.  Josh was working on the farm that day, and was usually gone for a few more hours.  None of our neighbors were home, and I just sat there. I asked God to bring Josh back.  I prayed that he wouldn’t know why, but he would just feel like coming home.  I asked for Peace, felt it, and then sat back and listened to the birds singing.  The sun felt amazing as I just laid back and rested, laughing at myself and the predicament I was in.

Fifteen minutes later I heard footsteps and I sat up to see who it was.  Josh walked into the yard and I called out to get his attention.  He said he felt like he needed to come home, but he didn’t know why.  I explained what happened, and he helped me up and inside the house. Elijah woke up just about then.  Funny how it just all worked out.

So this time, when I did the face-plant in my yard, I was able to get up and walk all by myself.  I sprained a couple toes and was pretty sore for 5 or 6 days, but who cares!

I am so THANKFUL that I could get up! I’ve got to hold on to something!

So I am determined to get stronger!  I am embarking on this journey with a furious desire and passion to Persevere through it ALL with the ability to Laugh at myself as I go Truckin’ along…

I am a Certified Health Nut. A Glorified, granola-munchin, organic lovin’ squirrel-food-eating, give me Raw food, Happy kind of Original.  I have put tons of Chemicals and Medicines in my body for too long due to the necessity to keep on Truckin’…

It’s about time I stopped.

Enter Young Living, and the possibility to be chemical free and medicine free once again.

Last winter, after my son came home with the swine flu, we were all sick from the end of October to April, with about 4-5 healthy weeks in between.  It was ridiculous! So when we signed up for Young Living and got the Essential oils kit, I was not only enthused about Thieves, but ESTATIC and Eager to try it.

My family has entered into what I am calling the “Thieves Experiment.” I do not want to repeat last year.  My immune system is 10% of a normal person because of the Enbrel I take for Arthritis.

For 6 weeks now, we have been taking Thieves.  I put a couple drops in Rice Milk or my water, we put a drop on my baby’s feet. We have been around numerous people who have been sick and we are well!  If we feel a sore throat, we put some directly in our throat. It is AMAZING! It even kills black mold.

One bottle lasts our family a month.  It is a $35 investment which I am MORE THAN WILLING to pay!  We are healthy!

So, I just wanted to share our Thieves Experiment.  I am tired of pumping my kids with cold medicine, tylenol and motrin.  I am so happy to find an alternative that actually works, and fits my Organic lovin, Granola lifestyle…

If this sounds interesting, and you would like to try it, you can order some from this link:

https://www.youngliving.org/johnsonliving

Scroll down and you will find thieves. I got the basic kit so I could get wholesale prices.  It is Wonderful!