There is a portal to Freedom, and it is right in front of me. I need only to step in.

But you see, only I will fit.

I can’t bring all my baggage.

There is a Grace to Forgive

To Release

EVERYTHING.

Each wounding, hurt, place of pain-

ALL of it.

I didn’t know I wanted to renew my vows until we were driving here the first day. Within minutes, this desire whispered in me. What if we could renew our vows for our Anniversary… Just being here, the place where we got married, felt like a gift. Tears flowed as I thought of the significance of Starting New, and the Release of Letting everything go and truly Forgiving.

The possibility of making it happen was so far fetched, I knew that things would either line up or they wouldn’t. I laid this desire down, surrendering and waiting.

And here we are. I’m getting married tonight. I need to write my vows. But first I need to purify my heart.

I must choose.

I have an Opportunity before me.

I do not want this baggage.

For some reason, today it is being exposed FULLY-

like ripe, rotting fruit in my heart.

There is an Exchange if I let it go.

I didn’t know it was all still there.

So I will cry and Forgive and Release.

I long to step through that portal with a clean heart before I renew my vows. It will be a New Beginning.

I want to Love without a list of wrongdoings and offenses. I want to Love without Fear.

Renewal and Restoration

I want to embrace each fully.

Like a cloud of Favor, Hovering.

I am Deeply Humbled by this Love.

Everything feels perfect.

This little home.

The coffee shack.

I am in a Dream.

Such heavy emotion and anticipation as we drove up to Holualoa yesterday. My eyes leaked the whole way. Quick stop at Doris’ Place for some authentic Hawaiian seed, then we made our way up the steep, bumpy driveway leading us to memories…

Everything became so filled with Love for this ‘aina, this beautiful land, these Beautiful people…our Ohana.

They escorted us up to the farm house they’ve been fixing up for a year. Suddenly, we were both in a fog.

Barely able to speak or find words, unable to think of taking pictures, we stepped into the Dream and Soaked in their Love.

It’s in every detail, every corner of each room.

And it’s all Perfect.

Everything we need.

Little hand-painted dressers and cabinets, fully stocked kitchen, pictures on the walls…

“I have prepared a place for you,” echoes in my heart.

It feels Heavenly.

My eyes open to the Beauty and Perfection of Simplicity.

It’s what I’ve been longing for.

I breathe.

Sweet, matching blue Hawaiin print beds in the boys room, adorned with stuffed animals loving placed to greet us. Colorful, tropical linens and plants add another loving touch. It’s all too much.

Prepared just for Us.

I am Rocked inside, Wrecked by this Love. I appreciate each little thing, each knick-knack that makes this a Home.

The curtains Melt me. Lovingly tied open to a breathtaking coastline view. So much and I can barely make words.

We are Honored to be here.

Waking up this morning to a rooster’s crow and the birds singing tropical melodies. Boys explore on a gecko hunt before breakfast. I am in love with this place. I am in love with these people.

I breathe…

This trip is more than a gift. It holds Redemption and Restoration. He makes all things New. Embracing the past and courageously weaving it into the present to find something new, wrapped in aloha print and tied with raffia.

I am so blown away by it all! It’s just surreal. My floodgates will open and the weeping will be a Refreshing for my soul.

I sense a season of letting go. I am drifting in a canoe without oars, riding the current of each wave closer to where He wants me.

I want to Learn and Grow and Position myself to Pursue without fear, those Desires that were lovingly placed in my heart. I am like a child waiting with Anticipation…

Fear of Disappointment tries to stake its claim if my Hopes get too high. Reality comes in like a protector, pretending to guard my heart. But the truth is, that if I choose to partner with reality without first filtering it through Hope, then I have nothing but Bondage to a Comfort Zone. I am weary of running in this hamster wheel.

Therefore, if I desire something New, if I desire change, I must first abandon my natural reaction towards seeking this false comfort. I must face these deep, dark places of Pain that I have surrendered to. I must stand with my Sword and sever each one.

Am I strong enough to Face these Giants?

I have Hope and I am Ready. I will Silence fear with my voice. With each step I place in front of the other, I am closer to Victory.

I believe I have an ability to find Thankfulness in the little things. I know that I Appreciate the basic things as well, like a roof over my head and a place to sleep. There’s just some block I have had to believing there’s Good Things for me, like I don’t deserve it.

This Adventure Drops me to my knees instantaneously. I am Broken in a good way. Receiving that my God has Good things for me…

Still in Wonder, I ponder and contemplate how and why-

But these are the questions I don’t have to figure out. If I try, it just robs me of what’s in the Moment.

I’m human and imperfect and I fail, quite often. Yet, for those little times my Faith rises and I Believe and Hope and Wait… Those little things He sees. Those quiet whispers in my heart I’ve been afraid to confess…

The Hopes and Dreams that we MUST Never let go of because if we do, then we have Nothing to look forward to.

I still can’t believe this is happening and it feels as surreal as a vivid dream.

But it’s so much MORE than just going to Hawaii. I don’t have exact words for it yet, perhaps those will come, but it’s OK if they don’t because it’s what’s happening to my heart.

Seeing the Island boy arise in my man who stops EVERYWHERE to pick a flower for “his lady.” Oh how that melts me. Walls and hurts are slashed away to begin something new… or rather Continue what we started here.

My Desperate cries for Healing and Wholeness are heard. I sense it ushering in a Peace that will drive out the anxiety and stress that had become a stronghold. Making myself Vulnerable again, so I can be Loved and Love like He wants me to.

I’m falling in love with US.

I cannot stop weeping. If you know me, you know the rough few years I’ve had physically, and the strain it’s put on us. We’ve worked really hard and endured and have been faithful.

So as I sit here outside this morning on our first full day with the warm island breeze whipping my hair, wiping the tears off my cheeks, I am broken in a good way. Broken so He can fix me.

Hopefully Broken so I can Receive that He has good things for me, beyond what I may deserve or “performed” to earn. None of that qualifies.

This is Bigger. A Giant Loving Goodness restoring and Healing my heart to Receive that no matter how I feel, if I’m healed or not, my God has Good Things for me.

Let the Floodgates open.

Like a brief whisper in my heart.

I am drawn to it.

It calls me,

a faint echo in the breeze.

My body cries for it.

Simplify.

Slow down

Rest

Open up and make way for Possibilities.

Soaking…

in the coffee-land memories,

where the stillness of simplicity

was in the

Beauty

of a simple Life.

No running around, Production Crazy Mainland kind of life.

It was Peaceful.

I was mellow.

No, Really.

I know you don’t believe me,

but I was actually

Relaxed.

Well, at least more-so than ever before.

So I sit and ponder and mentally try to grab a Piece of that Peace.

The stillness.

The simple letting go of all the doing.

REST woos me.

I am overtaken by this longing to shake off the materialistic slime and crazy go-go-go that has crept on me. I have felt suffocated by it. It feels like an amusement-park ride that never stops. The revolving door of busyness and schedules and planning and schooling and writing and being a chef  is beginning to shift and slow down. There’s just another way to do life.

…and I miss it.

Desperately.

So I’m taking it down a few notches.

It’s just time.

It’s like inviting people over when your house is messy. It’s  good for you. It’s good for me. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you just get used to it after awhile.

The thing that I’m drawn to the most about this trip, is the Simplicity that awaits.

To a place where Dear Memories and Precious Simplicity have been beckoning you…

To a place where you began your life together.

Your first home.

To the place where you first became a family…

How often does that happen?

Seriously…

Oh my heart.

It thumps away as I write. The excitement is building.

I get to go there.

I get to go to that place.

Tears form.

The coffee shack.

My heart skips.

625 square feet of simplicity on the island’s most beautiful coffee land.

It’s still soaking in.

It’s been so difficult to wrap my mind around it since I’ve been so tangled up in details!  But I’m beginning to see it, to feel it.

I better, because we are leaving tomorrow! Did I mention this all happened really fast?

Oh my heart!

We get the Privilege to return for a small season, about 6 weeks. This is only happening  because I believe my Loving Papa has prepared the way. That just sums it all up quite nicely. It’s All Him. Provision.

We have an Amazing story of finding that place. God just ALWAYS provides! I will share this sometime soon, when packing details are all wrapped up and we are settled. It’s just a dang good God story.

Oh my heart!

This could get really exciting.

The anticipation is building… What lies ahead? Tales of beaches and mango trees, adventures of coffee land life, living simply and simply living. Minimizing my kitchen productions without compromising health and nutrition… Hmmmmm, I have NO IDEA how to do that yet!

Doing Life somewhere else because, well, why not?

But it’s the doing Life again, like a second chance to grab something we missed the first time. This is what blows me away and this is where Expectation and Hope arises…  Revisiting our first home, that special place in our history where something was beginning and we didn’t even know it…

Oh my heart!

My boys on the coffee land, finding Jackson chameleons and collecting macadamia nut “balls,” soaking up Precious Ohana, ukulele melodies drifting up to our coffee shack, naked babe on the beach…

There are those once-in-a-lifetime kind of opportunities that one can only dream about.

The kind that just seems so far away impossible, that it would take a Hand in Heaven to direct it.

The one you Don’t want to miss out on because of small Excuses and Poor choices.

I am having to face these fears of stepping out of my comfort zone, yet stepping into Opportunity.

We just can’t pass this by.

It’s seriously Divine!

Once again I had the Amazing opportunity to work with Matt Thayer and Sheri Silk to create this delightful children’s book about Levi, who has had a horrible day. Everything goes wrong and he even gets sent home from school. Expecting mom to punish him, he is astonished at how she speaks Life into him instead.

The amazing thing about this book is that it’s the first one we’ve done that’s in the child’s perspective. The message is really powerful because of this and I am just really excited about it!

Come on down to Bethel church on Sunday April 29th and join us for the Book Signing.

Re-embracing Dreams.

Soaring

to the Vision

of Dreams

beyond my means.

Where the only answer is

His hand

Directing Everything.

…and if we Choose

to Leap in Faith

and Face our Destiny,

the Flight of Life

will reside

in the shadow

of His wings.

So LEAP

little girl

Breathe Deep

Release

and FLY

straight toward

your Dreams…

I have been on my Vegetarian version of the GAPS diet for over 60 days. I was doing pretty good, considering I have been on NO medicine! In the middle of my third week of slowly introducing food, my joints became really stiff, and I re-entered “Pain World.”

Life became really hard, being a Mom became harder, and keeping up with my scientific lab (aka my kitchen) became so overwhelming that I just have to stop.

The Valley is a stark contrast to the Mountaintop, especially when you’re catapulted down so quickly by Discouragement.

I have to admit that the stiffness and pain had been building for a couple weeks. I just kept telling myself that it was a painful process to start moving parts of your body that have been locked up for decades. The question of, “Is it something I’m eating?” just sent me over the edge. Why? Because I knew the answer was “possibly,” and I knew what that meant: going backwards.

I sunk, and I sunk Fast.

I am a Foodie, and I have been just so stinkin’ excited to eat! Period!  This was devastating news to me to realize I needed to take a step back. I have had a week of wallowing in this slimy pit and I am trying to crawl out of it, and keep my mind set on the Hope I have and the Reason I have been doing this whole GAPS thing. It’s hard to see that Billboard when you’re soaking in a dungeon of self-pity.

It’s just food.

Yes, but it’s just BREAKING me Again.

Part of the Process I guess. Can I take an Eagle’s eye view now? Can I throw in some intention and shift my thoughts?

Trying.

I thought I was past facing all these food issues. It seems I have just graced the surface. There’s Deeper ones to be explored. UGH! Am I strong enough to do this? Am I weak enough to admit that I can’t do this alone?

So for now, I have gone back to the first week of zucchini pancakes made with almond butter and eggs, avocado, broth, and an apple between meals. I think I need to just do a  juice fast  for a few days, but I am still “adjusting” and accepting that.

Is my stiffness going away? A little. Is the pain any better? Can’t really tell yet.

I’ll have to give it a week and see what happens.

All I know, is that I just conquered that Mountain, and sitting on that Peak was a dream come true. I could see for miles in all directions. I caught a glimpse of what my life should be like, pain-free; got to taste the freedom for a moment. The fall was rough, the Valley Dark and stifling. It is not where I want to remain. I liked that view I had, I enjoyed the breeze up on that Mountaintop.

I have to make a choice right now where I want to live from. Whether it’s the Valley or the Mountain, I need to have Grace for myself to Process, Time for myself to be Real, and Thankfulness to realize how far I’ve come.

He says I’m one of the strongest people he knows.

My close friends Encourage me when they call out the Strength I have.

Quite honestly, I forget about that kind of Strength.

I seldom consider the Deep Inner Strength that has been Given me. My typical mindset is one LONGING for the Feeling of Strength. I see the Ability all around me to Experience a Physical Strength that I’ve been lacking. One that, quite frankly, I was Robbed of.

Oh how I’ve Wished for it.

Dreamed of it.

Envied it.

Moving Freely, Living in Freedom, devoid of Pain.

The Strength I have has been an Inner Journey, a Battle of Mind and Fesh, my Walk:  in Faith, Hope and Reality.

There’s Circumstance and a Choice. That is quite a Powerful thing. The Right choice to set your mind stems from Thankfulness.

You must ENDURE. You must Persevere. You must Never give up and Never lay down. Realities happen. A choice could signal Redemption.

I’m feeling Strength slowly returning to my body. Each little bit is slow to come, and it requires all the Inner Strength in me that I have to push through Physically.

This is really hard work. I am Pushing myself Harder than before. I feel Broken. But if I’m Broken, then it’s FOR GOOD!

Driven by the Vision that THIS IS IT!

I’m Giving it EVERYTHING I’ve got. This Lifestyle of Self-Denial and Discipline is Strengthening those very muscles.

It is Hard Work to cultivate the Land of Habits. It is quite the process, but You CAN do it. You CAN change Circumstance with Choice.

I will continue to get strong. I will continue to Push myself, and Continue to take care of myself. I see myself doing “normal” Mom things with my kids that I couldn’t do before. It is LIBERATING!

This is Just the BEGINNING.

I have such a LONG Road ahead. I feel like I’ve gotten over the first Mountain. I’ve Conquered SOMEthing; therefore I can Conquer ANYthing.

I am not Alone.

He is with me, Revealing Vivid Pictures of New Realities.