My husband speaks life into me each time he pays me this compliment. It just Anchors me, Deeper. It gives me Hope. It sets me Free. It grounds me and makes all my anxieties and busy thoughts FLEE.

He says I’m one of the strongest people he knows.

My close friends Encourage me when they call out the Strength I have.

Quite honestly, I forget about that kind of Strength.

I seldom consider the Deep Inner Strength that has been Given me. My typical mindset is one LONGING for the Feeling of Strength. I see the Ability all around me to Experience a Physical Strength that I’ve been lacking. One that, quite frankly, I was Robbed of.

Oh how I’ve Wished for it.

Dreamed of it.

Envied it.

Moving Freely, Living in Freedom, devoid of Pain.

The Strength I have has been an Inner Journey, a Battle of Mind and Fesh, my Walk:  in Faith, Hope and Reality.

There’s Circumstance and a Choice. That is quite a Powerful thing. The Right choice to set your mind stems from Thankfulness.

You must ENDURE. You must Persevere. You must Never give up and Never lay down. Realities happen. A choice could signal Redemption.

I’m feeling Strength slowly returning to my body. Each little bit is slow to come, and it requires all the Inner Strength in me that I have to push through Physically.

This is really hard work. I am Pushing myself Harder than before. I feel Broken. But if I’m Broken, then it’s FOR GOOD!

Driven by the Vision that THIS IS IT!

I’m Giving it EVERYTHING I’ve got. This Lifestyle of Self-Denial and Discipline is Strengthening those very muscles.

It is Hard Work to cultivate the Land of Habits. It is quite the process, but You CAN do it. You CAN change Circumstance with Choice.

I will continue to get strong. I will continue to Push myself, and Continue to take care of myself. I see myself doing “normal” Mom things with my kids that I couldn’t do before. It is LIBERATING!

This is Just the BEGINNING.

I have such a LONG Road ahead. I feel like I’ve gotten over the first Mountain. I’ve Conquered SOMEthing; therefore I can Conquer ANYthing.

I am not Alone.

He is with me, Revealing Vivid Pictures of New Realities.

Process and Preparation. You can’t have one without the other.

What would we change if we could look back on the times in our lives where we were in Process? What would change if we were determined to take an Eagle’s view, see the long-term in the moment, and Taste the Fruit of Intentional Labor? I know that I am in Process right now. I believe it is Preparation. The awareness of it right now, is a gift I am just unwrapping.

34 days ago I embarked on this journey. I never imagined going this long on just homemade vegetable broth and fresh juice. I’ve had an occasional egg, or half an avocado, and steamed broccoli just twice. I didn’t know that I would be making water kefir and kimchi and signing up for RAW milk, just so I could make creme fraiche and yogurt. My kitchen has changed so dramatically, I still cannot believe it when I look around.

I may seem cuckoo to some, and to others I am speaking your language. I just needed to admit that I hardly recognize myself and my surroundings, but there’s something appealing about that.

I have been BROKEN repeatedly, and sometimes more than I could bear. It is not easy to deny yourself everything that you love. I am still in my kitchen (which I’m realizing is really my office) for 4 to 5 hours a day. I am touching and smelling and gazing at the wondrous and radiant colors of fresh organic produce and creating yummy food for my family all day long. Hence the breaking…

I’m in Process and I’m being Prepared.

In this Incredible GAPS journey that has turned into a 40 day fast, I have stumbled upon a Glorious Revelation. It’s not really exaggerating to say that I have basically given up EVERYTHING  in the grocery store. Yet in this painful process, I have realized that these choices are creating a Blank canvas on the inside, a New Beginning, when it comes to food and my health. I am being Prepared.

If I have been Broken, then I am put back together by the “what if’s” and HOPES of a NEW Life, one with a Strong and Healthy body…

I have basically been preparing a blank canvas. I am ripping down addictions and habits and idolatry of food. I am experiencing a newfound clarity in how I would like to proceed, and how I would like to dress this canvas. I will get to pick out the colors and textures and brushes.

His Grace has been sufficient for me. There is no way I am sitting here today without it. I would have FAILED the first day.

I am in Process and I’m being Prepared. Just Soaking in that right now, and being Intentional…

There was a girl who suffered daily and tried her best to make the most out of her life. Intense chronic pain and limitations robbed her repeatedly and stole the basic components and joys of a normal life. She was accustomed to it, so she just learned to live this way. She was miserable inside, yet hope still lived, tucked away in a secret place in her heart.

She worked hard striving to be normal, yet absolutely hating that word. She carried such heaviness that it was hard for others to see who she really was. Pain ruled her life and skewed her reality.

She fought constantly to complete average daily tasks. Everything was a battle because of the Pain. She was always stuck in mental preparation, strategizing how to get through the day.

She longed for freedom. She cried out for the desire to love herself. She continued to dig her well deeper, for it was the only solace; the only sense of comfort. The water from the well nourished her hope and kept it alive.

One day she decided Enough was Enough.

She came to a screeching halt and just stood there for awhile. She knew something had to change or Misery would Prevail. She realized that she had the power to initiate change.

She knew she would fail if He wasn’t in it.

She knew she couldn’t do this without Him.

Grace started to sprinkle down over her, and she mourned for what she knew she had to do. She cried and balled as she laid everything down in that wagon. She was comforted as she hauled it to the throne.

She had been a slave to these things and she hated herself. Disease crippled her ability to see anything good in herself.

She left the wagon with the King and there began an Exchange.

Hope was poured out over her, along with Grace that quenched her from within. Deep Motivation and Passion pumped through her blood. She was so scared but she knew she was not alone. He promised to be there at all times. He promised to carry her.

She began her journey and knew right away that it was right. The Misery left almost immediately. Each new day brought fresh Grace and renewed Strength. She battled and fought and subdued her enemy. Daily.

At one point she saw a piece of Disease fall off. There was something Beautiful underneath it. It was the real her starting to emerge. She embraced this vision and kept going. More Pain, more Disease, and more Limitations began to slough off of her. The Real girl could be glimpsed by others. Most importantly, she could be seen by herself.

She heard a beautiful song, like nothing else she had heard before. Strength, Vitality, and Sheer Joy were singing out to her. The New feeling of Lightness created a Smile. The girl that started to emerge was so different. She actually began to like herself.

This girl has got the Victory. She just climbed the biggest Mountain of her life and in the Process, became unveiled. Nothing can come against her Determination and Passion. She is Strong. She is taking her Health back, with one choice at a time.

She sits here today to Encourage others.

What is YOUR Dream for your Health? Your Family’s?

Whatever it looks like, the Journey is worth every step.

Space:  The Final Frontier…. This is my voyage of the GAPS Diet, Vegetarian style…

Stardate: 21!  Three weeks! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far! This deep galaxy that was unexplored, foreign and scary has become familiar… and comfortable.

Food Habits and Food Addictions. That’s what’s been highlighted to me the past two weeks. I have HOPE that I am re-training myself. I am learning how to eat, and how to LOVE myself through what I put in my mouth… This in itself is a foreign galaxy.

For years I have known that I am an emotional eater with bad habits I’ve been longing to break.

What better time to face these things than when you’re just juicing and drinking broth?!!

When I don’t feel well, eating makes it better. When I’m wiped out at the end of the night, munchies and a movie call… When I see my friends, I want to enjoy their company alongside Amazing food.

All these things have been presenting themselves to me, especially the last two weeks. I have found myself Not wanting to watch a movie because I can’t eat popcorn. Funny. I can’t go out for a “Girl’s night,” because there’s food. Even our weekly Date Night consists of me and my broth going to watch Josh eat. Tragic.

I was Dreaming of my Whirley-pop popcorn and Kettle BBQ chips. Now, I am even redesigning my Dreams. (Yes, I think of Food a lot). I can long for all the Yummy Foods allowed on the GAPS Diet. That’s good; it’s a start. But what good would it be if I didn’t face the roots of my bad food habits:  What drives me to snack? Why have I let it become the Comforter? Do I want to continue these bad habits, or use this time as an Opportunity to reinvent the wheel? Hmmmm… where’s my shovel?

Facing these habits and addictions is pretty brutal. We all know they’re there. But just how many pink elephants do you want in your house?

It is a fight, but it is worth it. Once I get through the screaming “NO” inside my head, it get’s easier. When I partnered WITH it, along came an increased Awareness of these patterns, an Acceptance that it’s NOT GOOD for me, and a Stronger Decision to say “No” with a Deeper Resolve.

I found myself contemplating that I have the Privilege and Power to not only Break these bad habits, but begin NEW ones.

That’s when I realized it’s already happening in me right now. I am learning to LOVE myself in this new way.

Putting food that hurts you into your mouth on a regular basis is Not loving yourself.

Most of the time we don’t know it’s hurting us. We get “used to” the symptoms, and just accept that it’s who we are. “Not Well” has been my normal. I have done my best to live FROM that place for too long. There’s only so much Quality of Life that resides in that place. I want MORE! I want to feel GOOD and AMAZING and LIVELY!

Emotionally and Mentally I am MUCH better! I now realize how much food was poisoning me on the inside, even though I ate really healthy. Physically I am really tired, but I am eating an egg each day, and moving into some blended soups this week.

My goal is to move slow, stay the course, and let these new habits take over. It’s all about Baby steps. I am a little blue engine, chugging along in this GAPS Universe, cruising around and enjoying the Beautiful scenery: the Luscious Fruit of Choice.

Facing Food Addictions and habits has been a part of my journey and process. It is not easy, but the time is NOW because I CAN do something about it.

There’s definitely an Exchange waiting for me. It’s time to say “Goodbye” to some of my pink elephant friends.

Great sacrifice has a high exchange rate.

Birthing a child requires great sacrifice. Parenting requires even more. Not only do we, as Mom’s, bear intense pain and forever changes to our bodies (hello issues), but as Parents, we find ourselves quite often in a place where MORE is required than we have to give.

Enter the Exchange.

We must remember the inheritance we are pouring into. We must never forget that they are only little for a short time. Our social lives will come back eventually, along with the vocabulary to speak to other adults… We must never lose sight that it is ALL worth it: every ounce, pound and ton of ourselves that we pour out. Even when we run dry and it takes a massive wringing out to get that last drop, it is all worth it. It is our privilege.

The Exchange.

We must never lose sight of what we gain in the midst of sacrifice.

I have given up my favorite foods for the next two years. It has been 14 days today, of broth and juicing, with an occasional half avocado. Do I miss food?

Not really.

Why?

Because of the Exchange.

I don’t remember feeling this good inside. I don’t remember saying that I feel “Amazing.” I can bend my big giant finger for the first time in 5 years. All I want to do is walk and be active. I am feeling strength bubble up within me, like I’ve tapped into some sacred well.

I call myself “loopy” at times, but it is a good place to be. My issues are on vacation, and you know what? I don’t want them to come back for awhile. I feel the most clarity that I have ever felt. I feel like there’s a portal at my head and a well at my feet. I am covered in Grace. There is no way I could do this alone.

There is a lot required to take on the GAPS thing and heal my gut. I never dreamed of making it this far. I only let Hope in to give it a shot. I am now Fiercely determined to give it my Best and My ALL. There is New Life at stake. My New Life. This is driving me.

It is a Giant sacrifice, but it is worth it when there is a good Exchange rate.

I don’t ever want to forget how hard it’s been; how daily motherhood has taken more than I had by 10 am, yet I still had all day to go. I don’t ever want to forget the pain, limitations and fish bowl of “I can’t.” I don’t ever want to forget the sleepless nights and wheelchair seasons. I don’t ever want to forget all the LOVE poured out over me by friends and family who helped through it all. I don’t ever want to forget how my Amazing Man stood by my side, in Love, and became my Hero. I don’t ever want to forget because I don’t want to lose sight of Thankfulness.

Hope and Joy live in Sacrifice. Purpose unveils Passion. There’s so much Beauty in it all. Deep inside, GRACE resides.

Is there something keeping you in bondage? Think upon the Exchange. Grab it… just make a good trade.

I am on a path to find love. I have the ability to love others, and give myself away in love. I have experienced what it is like to love the unlovable. I enjoy the feeling of love, and all that is required to love. Honestly though, I do not know how to love myself. I have partnered with self-hatred too long, and I have a really hard time receiving love.

Does it really matter that I have to squeeze into my clothes? Does it really matter that I have dark circles under my eyes, purplish swollen ankles, and a penguin limp? Are my imperfections so vast that I allow my mistakes, blemishes and frizz to destroy the beauty and life in a day? It’s a path to self-destruction when we choose to focus on what we don’t have, what hasn’t happened yet, or dreams we never followed. The stronghold of self-hatred presents itself when I forget who I am and the Destiny that cries out within me.

I often hear, “If you know your identity, then you wouldn’t feel this way.” Probably so. Therefore, I am on a journey to rediscover (not reinvent) myself, and what makes me tick.

All I gotta say for now, is that it is not easy.

When I am in the midst of a giant battle to love myself, especially this body that just seems so dysfunctional and is always in pain with every movement, it is ALL I can do to just STOP and Breathe.

I ask myself this question: What can I be Thankful for?

Sometimes my answer is that I am upright and breathing. Hey- that’s a pretty big one!

Thankfulness is one of my greatest weapons. It has the ability to defeat those microscopic imperfections in our lives. It leads me into Joy, even in the darkest and most painful times. It is like an eraser of circumstances. Thankfulness turns the night into dawn and shines light into the hidden places.

So how can I learn to love myself right where I’m at?

I think I just need to start with Thankfulness.

I want to grow. I want to change. I feel a bit broken.

I am in a place where I just need to take ownership. Owning it does nothing for you if you fail to change your heart.

I do not want to be critical. I do not want to be jealous. I do not want to miss out on my kids’ childhood because I am stuck in performance mode. The truth is, I fight these things all the time. I do not want to be a complainer. I would LOVE to control my mouth and NOT look like an ass. Yet I keep finding myself in moments where a muzzle would be preferred.

I will never be perfect. Yet I desire more. I have the hardest time receiving love, or anything good.  Something negative and I soak it up like a sponge. So where does that leave me? Undeserving? Unworthy? Isn’t that the point? So much Grace and Unconditional Love thrown at you, accessible to all who Believe. His heart is full for ME, yet I continue to build walls. I am a professional…

This is not a pity party and I am not a victim. I am just facing some harsh realities. The question becomes, “What will I do with it?” Will I flop like a fish on the ground or get up again and move forward. Will it be the walk of shame, or the convicted shuffle? Am I allowed to smile in the process or must I have a sorrowful disposition? One day soon, I will just be able to laugh.

Facing the pain. Sit in it for a bit, let it sink in, and let the LOVE change your heart.

Humility and ownership bring freedom….eventually.

I WANT to grow. I WANT to change. I do not want to be stagnant. I want to work on my stuff instead of letting my issues breed like rabbits. When the fruit is nasty and rotting, you just gotta prune that branch.

My heart has good intentions. I don’t want to hurt people. Yet even though intentions are good, it doesn’t prevent hurt.

I’ve messed up a lot this past week.  I mean A LOT!  I have been quite humiliated. Ummmm, INTENSELY humiliated. The good news is that I am NOT there anymore. I learned from it. Quite an expensive lesson…but I learned something. Once you’re owned it and received it, you just gotta MOVE ON!

What CAN I do?

I CAN grow. I CAN change. I CAN give myself a bit of grace. I can repent, apologize, and take responsibility. Then a Beautiful, Glorious thing happens…

Freedom.

…and maybe with the Freedom, comes a little of that Amazing, Unconditional LOVE, and the slightest ability to just receive it, maybe just a little bit…

It felt like a scene from “The Grapes of Wrath” and the “Beverly Hillbillies” as we pulled out of our driveway.  We were just missing Grandma riding in the chair.  Just so ya know-  we DID bring the rocking chair. Hey!  Camping with Arthritis?  I have Needs!

“How was camping,” people keep asking me. I have two choices when I answer, well, rather two directions I could take.  This is a place for me to be real, so here goes it…

My first reaction is to say that it was really hard.  These words do not do justice when it comes to explaining it all, but it sums it up enough. My body is still screaming from the trip, but I SURVIVED!  I did it!  Did I do it with a smile?  Well, I certainly tried!

I am still in “Recovery Mode.”  That means I will have to conserve movements and try not to get swept up in any torrential downpours or whirlwinds that come my way, even if I have created them.  Just being Mom and managing the household feels like I am overdoing it.  However, I am a PRO at operating in this mode.  My mid-afternoon peak offers a 2-3 hour window where the stiffness has lessened and I am able to get a majority of basic things done. The biggest hurdle is fighting the pain.

I have to put on my boxing gloves and Stand against all the fleshly pain; it is then that I can see the Blessings, the Moments that made it ALL worth it.  I have to hold on to those moments with a death-defying, white-knuckled grip. I cannot let how I feel RIGHT NOW Rob me of those Precious, Amazing Moments!

Camping with the Johnson Family?  Well, 59 turned out this year. It was Priceless.  Beautiful.  Amazing.  Such Love and Joy and Willingness to Serve I have rarely witnessed.  The Comraderie is Absolute, the Attentiveness is Full of Genuine Care and Compassion.  The Excitement to be together and “Play” is a buzzing Energy that swarms camp. All Ages are Helpful, Teamwork Abounds, and the Games… FUN FUN FUN!!!

So I am THANKFUL I got to experience this Family in action.  I am Blessed to be a part of it. I did have a hard time walking and my scooter fell on the “woulda coulda shoulda” list…   Numerous cousins, Aunts and Uncles, my Dad, and even my eight year old son escorted me all around camp.  The pain was intense, I longed for my scooter, BUT these loving arms that helped me were also the bearer of Moments I will never forget!

Moments to laugh at myself for how I was getting around.  Moments to gaze up at the cliffs along the Columbia River Gorge and see the warm colors as the sun set.  Moments to stop, breathe, and just SEE what was all around me.  Moments to visit on the pathway as my escort held me up so I wouldn’t fall.

Moments with Family are just downright PRICELESS! What’s helping me get through this recovery mode is these memories.  Our kids got to spend time with their Great Grandparents!  Good, solid time.  I am focusing on how much this trip was worth the cost- that small cost of comfort that I mentioned before.  It WAS good to push myself and make this happen. Moments are the Gold that shines in the memories.

These Moments enter in during the still quiet second that we stop.  I am practicing this a lot lately.  Letting it all just go.  Fly fly away all the little nagging things.  Fly far far away.  Shifting to “the here and now,” and enjoying what is around me comes easy to some.  I have to work at it. My husband and I balance each other out that way.

Life is made up of a bunch of Moments. Which ones do you focus on? I just want to share that it IS possible to retrain yourself!