The Goodness continues to Rain Down over us.

Like a cloud of Favor, Hovering.

I am Deeply Humbled by this Love.

Everything feels perfect.

This little home.

The coffee shack.

I am in a Dream.

Such heavy emotion and anticipation as we drove up to Holualoa yesterday. My eyes leaked the whole way. Quick stop at Doris’ Place for some authentic Hawaiian seed, then we made our way up the steep, bumpy driveway leading us to memories…

Everything became so filled with Love for this ‘aina, this beautiful land, these Beautiful people…our Ohana.

They escorted us up to the farm house they’ve been fixing up for a year. Suddenly, we were both in a fog.

Barely able to speak or find words, unable to think of taking pictures, we stepped into the Dream and Soaked in their Love.

It’s in every detail, every corner of each room.

And it’s all Perfect.

Everything we need.

Little hand-painted dressers and cabinets, fully stocked kitchen, pictures on the walls…

“I have prepared a place for you,” echoes in my heart.

It feels Heavenly.

My eyes open to the Beauty and Perfection of Simplicity.

It’s what I’ve been longing for.

I breathe.

Sweet, matching blue Hawaiin print beds in the boys room, adorned with stuffed animals loving placed to greet us. Colorful, tropical linens and plants add another loving touch. It’s all too much.

Prepared just for Us.

I am Rocked inside, Wrecked by this Love. I appreciate each little thing, each knick-knack that makes this a Home.

The curtains Melt me. Lovingly tied open to a breathtaking coastline view. So much and I can barely make words.

We are Honored to be here.

Waking up this morning to a rooster’s crow and the birds singing tropical melodies. Boys explore on a gecko hunt before breakfast. I am in love with this place. I am in love with these people.

I breathe…

My husband speaks life into me each time he pays me this compliment. It just Anchors me, Deeper. It gives me Hope. It sets me Free. It grounds me and makes all my anxieties and busy thoughts FLEE.

He says I’m one of the strongest people he knows.

My close friends Encourage me when they call out the Strength I have.

Quite honestly, I forget about that kind of Strength.

I seldom consider the Deep Inner Strength that has been Given me. My typical mindset is one LONGING for the Feeling of Strength. I see the Ability all around me to Experience a Physical Strength that I’ve been lacking. One that, quite frankly, I was Robbed of.

Oh how I’ve Wished for it.

Dreamed of it.

Envied it.

Moving Freely, Living in Freedom, devoid of Pain.

The Strength I have has been an Inner Journey, a Battle of Mind and Fesh, my Walk:  in Faith, Hope and Reality.

There’s Circumstance and a Choice. That is quite a Powerful thing. The Right choice to set your mind stems from Thankfulness.

You must ENDURE. You must Persevere. You must Never give up and Never lay down. Realities happen. A choice could signal Redemption.

I’m feeling Strength slowly returning to my body. Each little bit is slow to come, and it requires all the Inner Strength in me that I have to push through Physically.

This is really hard work. I am Pushing myself Harder than before. I feel Broken. But if I’m Broken, then it’s FOR GOOD!

Driven by the Vision that THIS IS IT!

I’m Giving it EVERYTHING I’ve got. This Lifestyle of Self-Denial and Discipline is Strengthening those very muscles.

It is Hard Work to cultivate the Land of Habits. It is quite the process, but You CAN do it. You CAN change Circumstance with Choice.

I will continue to get strong. I will continue to Push myself, and Continue to take care of myself. I see myself doing “normal” Mom things with my kids that I couldn’t do before. It is LIBERATING!

This is Just the BEGINNING.

I have such a LONG Road ahead. I feel like I’ve gotten over the first Mountain. I’ve Conquered SOMEthing; therefore I can Conquer ANYthing.

I am not Alone.

He is with me, Revealing Vivid Pictures of New Realities.

Process doesn’t promise that it won’t hurt, yet the end result finds you Refined and Strengthened.

Prepared.

My kitchen has changed so drastically that I hardly recognize it.  My mindset, when it comes to food, is equally unrecognizable; however Welcome. I have Broken through into this place of Peace and Freedom. It has a high cost and much is required at this point, but the Fruits bear witness that it is ALL worth it!

One of my biggest areas of Realization and Revelation from my 40 day fast was that I was an emotional eater seeking comfort in food, with terrible food patterns and habits that were just ruining my life. I had to admit them and FACE them, Head on! Through the Process of Denying myself these things I have Broken free from their hold.  I feel a healthy mindset when it comes to food.

I can’t confess enough how much I Needed to be Broken. I needed to Face these habits, patterns and wrong attitudes that I lived in. Hitting them Head-On was the only way it could work for me. These have been the Best 47 days of my Life. They have established a New Foundation. One that I have worked so hard to build, that I am Determined NOT to compromise.

I still feel the urges to snack and the longing for comfort food. It can be unbearable at times, but each “no” makes me stronger and I take more ground. The Exchange has been unreal! I feel the habits breaking, the shifting going on, the Strengthening. It is hard at times, but mostly effortless.

I stand here now with an elevated discipline. Part of it is supported by the Hope that I won’t have to eat this way forever. Most of it comes from the overall Blessing of LIVING with Less Pain and experiencing this NEW Ability to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. It’s coming…

I covet the Grace I am in. I ask God daily for MORE, for it to never leave. I’m enjoying the Dialogue, the grip on my life that was previously lacking.

I feel like the Disease is sloughing away and the Real ME is starting to peek out. I have such a long road ahead. This was all just the Screeching Halt and the 180 degree turn around. I am starting my Engine. I am ready to go forward. Momentum is building.

I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, an Opportunity to really change my Lifestyle. All this self-denial has created a platform. It holds New habits and it holds Great Potential, birthed from Giant Sacrifice. It holds Passion for Health and Vitality. It has all been Preparation.

Transformation begins with a willingness to let it.

There was a girl who suffered daily and tried her best to make the most out of her life. Intense chronic pain and limitations robbed her repeatedly and stole the basic components and joys of a normal life. She was accustomed to it, so she just learned to live this way. She was miserable inside, yet hope still lived, tucked away in a secret place in her heart.

She worked hard striving to be normal, yet absolutely hating that word. She carried such heaviness that it was hard for others to see who she really was. Pain ruled her life and skewed her reality.

She fought constantly to complete average daily tasks. Everything was a battle because of the Pain. She was always stuck in mental preparation, strategizing how to get through the day.

She longed for freedom. She cried out for the desire to love herself. She continued to dig her well deeper, for it was the only solace; the only sense of comfort. The water from the well nourished her hope and kept it alive.

One day she decided Enough was Enough.

She came to a screeching halt and just stood there for awhile. She knew something had to change or Misery would Prevail. She realized that she had the power to initiate change.

She knew she would fail if He wasn’t in it.

She knew she couldn’t do this without Him.

Grace started to sprinkle down over her, and she mourned for what she knew she had to do. She cried and balled as she laid everything down in that wagon. She was comforted as she hauled it to the throne.

She had been a slave to these things and she hated herself. Disease crippled her ability to see anything good in herself.

She left the wagon with the King and there began an Exchange.

Hope was poured out over her, along with Grace that quenched her from within. Deep Motivation and Passion pumped through her blood. She was so scared but she knew she was not alone. He promised to be there at all times. He promised to carry her.

She began her journey and knew right away that it was right. The Misery left almost immediately. Each new day brought fresh Grace and renewed Strength. She battled and fought and subdued her enemy. Daily.

At one point she saw a piece of Disease fall off. There was something Beautiful underneath it. It was the real her starting to emerge. She embraced this vision and kept going. More Pain, more Disease, and more Limitations began to slough off of her. The Real girl could be glimpsed by others. Most importantly, she could be seen by herself.

She heard a beautiful song, like nothing else she had heard before. Strength, Vitality, and Sheer Joy were singing out to her. The New feeling of Lightness created a Smile. The girl that started to emerge was so different. She actually began to like herself.

This girl has got the Victory. She just climbed the biggest Mountain of her life and in the Process, became unveiled. Nothing can come against her Determination and Passion. She is Strong. She is taking her Health back, with one choice at a time.

She sits here today to Encourage others.

What is YOUR Dream for your Health? Your Family’s?

Whatever it looks like, the Journey is worth every step.

One of the biggest battles I fight is against Isolation.  I have been feeling lonely and isolated. I know that I am Responsible for it, that I have stepped into this cold, dark place. Yet, there is something more brewing…

It’s easy to stay home in my comfort zone, where I know I can get around without falling. It’s easy to become isolated when little things like going outside or going to the store take everything you’ve got. Just getting myself ready feels like it takes all my effort. I’m not so able to keep up with my peers.  If I don’t have people over, I generally don’t see them. It is easy to feel isolated when nobody around you is going through what you are, or when nobody around you has what you have.  It’s been a battle against feeling Diseased, Different and Misunderstood. The reality though, is that I am not alone.  Most people I know are going through Something that makes them feel this same way.

When I am not doing so good, I withdraw.  I have known that I do this for a long time.  I even recognize it and usually just force myself to engage with someone.  Just getting out of my house helps tremendously. Sometimes a change of scene is all it takes.

It’s strange though, to actually choose isolation.  For some reason, my deep introspection of late has led me into this season where I’m just feeling like I don’t have the language to communicate.  Sometimes we go through such “pruning” or “growth” (I am hopeful here) where we just don’t talk about it because it just needs to stew and we need to respect the process to get to the epiphany…

I am hoping that this is one of those times!

However, I am fully aware that something feels very wrong in the way I am handling it all.  Where is the Life when you take yourself out of the equation and just watch? In my attempt to process these things I am battling, I’ve closed off some of my dearest friends.  I don’t want to, but I am realizing that I have. I think sometimes I just don’t want people to really know.  So I close it off at a certain point.  Especially if there’s not much Hope or Faith attached to it.

I fight the failure, but I am not that strong.  My Spirit Longs.

My Spirit Longs to Leap out of my current position, breaking free of strongholds in an instant!  My Spirit Longs to run to all those I’ve hurt and just LOVE on them!  My Spirit Longs for encouragement to Persevere and Overcome.  My Spirit wants to Believe and wants to Hope.

If I am tangled up in my own choices to withdraw than I need to find a solution, a baby step towards freedom.  Vomiting my inner turmoil to a friend is not it.

My Spirit longs to be the gazelle and to run and romp with Freedom and Agility and Strength.  My Spirit knows it is not time yet. I’ve got to sit and face some things first.  Baby steps and Momentum are a part of my recipe to come back.  Sowing seeds of change into my thoughts and my Life… All I know, is that if I’m not done cooking yet, and I’m feeling like I’m running on empty, than it’s a Really Good sign that my Spirit Longs for Something…

It shows me that THIS isn’t how it’s Supposed to be.  There’s MORE.  There’s MORE for ME!

So, the real question I need to ask myself is this: “Do I deserve it?” Do I “deserve” this “More?”

I have gotten this question wrong all my life.  That is partially why I need to sit and stew a bit longer, in order to Receive what My Spirit Longs for. The Truth shall permeate my Steel Walls.

I’ve been beaten down and weary.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t recognize myself anymore.  I used to be such a fighter.  Somewhere along the way I misplaced my championship belt.

What happened? Why have I resorted to “just taking it?”  It’s like I got so tired of losing that I just laid down and let myself get run over. Not just on a quiet street, but more like on a freeway.

No, I haven’t been hopeless…

Have you ever felt like this?  Where you just get beaten down, stand up, and then get squashed back down?  You crawl back up, get absolutely pummeled, get up again, then get hammered even more? Each time you get on your feet, it’s like there’s another villain waiting to get you.   I’ve had enough.  I’m ready to take the “victim” sign off my forehead. I’m picking up my boxing gloves.

I have just been too weary to stand up again. So it feels like I’ve given up.  Deep down I haven’t though.  I think I just needed a rest! Like that’s so wrong?

This has been the season where my friends are the ones holding me up.   They BELIEVE when I don’t.  They Pray when I can’t.  They HOPE when I can’t see.  They have been RELEASING Faith, Declarations, and Peace over me.  They have been Standing and Fighting FOR ME.

I thought I was fighting.  It’s an all-day, everyday battleground for me.  The first battle I win each day is getting out of bed.  At least I start out Victorious!  I thought I’ve been fighting because I push through and still do so much despite how I feel. I thought I was fighting…

I thought I was a fighter because I used to stand against all the pain and arthritis and just flat out rebuke it.  I spent hours a day doing this.  Am I really supposed to fight this hard?  Is there Grace?  Yes.  Are we “CO-labors?  Are we supposed to Strive for something that’s already been done?

I have been fighting with my actions:  physically NOT accepting my limitations, proving myself to any and all who may see that I am not a lazy, worthless person because I have pain that severely limits my abilities.  So I go Truckin’ along, despite the pain, and that’s how I’ve been fighting.  Yes, I have Faith. But where has it been directed?

I’m just now realizing that I’ve been focusing on the wrong battlefield.

My inner self-talk needs to change.  I need to SPEAK what I don’t see over my hands, my feet, the pain.  I need to tell my feet what they CAN do instead of getting frustrated and focusing on what they can’t. Each struggle throughout the day and all the reality talk in my mind is just downright depressing.  Yes, I have joy.  But does that mean I’m really happy?

Somewhere and Somehow I need to lay down all the disappointments, fears, self-pity and hopelessness.  I just need to get OVER it and GET UP AGAIN!

I’m going to change what I say in my mind about myself, and what I speak out over myself.  There’s power in our words.  Try it and see what happens.

So here I am, STANDING! It’s not a graceful process, but at least I can get up.

Feet, I LOVE you.  You WILL RUN one day.  Hands, I am GRATEFUL for you- you do so much for my family, and you will be able to do it all WITHOUT PAIN someday. Elbows, you have endured the fire.  You are STRONG!  …and Mind….You CAN be RENEWED!

I am Thankful for my feet.  I am Thankful for my feet.

Repeat 10 times.

This is one of those days that I MUST force myself to be Thankful for these things at the end of my legs that are causing me such intense pain.  Some people don’t have feet.  Therefore, I MUST be thankful that I have feet.

The pain has been building the past few days, probably because I have been functioning at “Normal.” My pain levels went down a couple points on the Richter Scale.  For me, this is HUGE, a reason to celebrate, and enough cause to go 200 miles per hour.

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest level of pain imaginable, I have scooted through this past year at an 8-9.  It takes A LOT to stop this Energizer Bunny on Crack.

A “10″ day puts me in bed. That’s not good, but it’s something I need to work on.  I need to LISTEN to my body and get OFF my feet BEFORE the pain reaches an 8!  Tragically, there is Always so much to do and I get sucked in. I’m at a 9 right now.  Time to back down.

My Feet dictate my day. It’s Terrible and absolutely WRONG! But that’s how it is.  My feet determine how much I will accomplish, or how little; where I will go or where I won’t; going outside or staying in.  They have too much power.  How do I get it back?

My feet are Giant, reddish-purple, veiny, swollen, stiff and Throbbing.  Paints a pretty picture, doesn’t it? As much as I love summer, I am DREADING the moments when people will stare at my feet.  I have struggled for years with embarrassment of a swollen body.  In High School my knees were bigger than my thighs.  You will never see me in shorts.  I have boundaries.

My feet determine how I will dress, and the style I have.  Pretty dainty girly shoes with heels are merely something to admire from afar. Shoes are like art for me. “Oh- That’s Beautiful!  Look at the colors and the texture…”  I have to wear “special shoes” like Forrest Gump.  Just don’t call me “Grandma.”

Did I mention I am THANKFUL for my feet?

I am stuck in clothes that go with flip flops or tennis shoes.  I STRESS out about occasions that call for a dress.  My heart sinks.  It’s just impossible.

Today I got a sitter.  I was planning on getting work done and a bunch of errands out of the way. My feet have changed my plans… once again.  BIG Sigh…

This is where I just need to adjust and be flexible.  I need to accept what it is and stop fighting it. I need to blend it with Hope and add a Giant Heap of Thankfulness. This recipe makes 20 servings of Peace and JOY…

I will be Thankful that I have someone to chase my toddler all over the house today.  Each step I take is excruciating.  I will be thankful that I do not have to carry around a 25 pound bambino on my hip.  That would just make my feet worse right now.  I will be Thankful that I can just put my feet up and rest for a bit.  I deserve it.

I will be Thankful for my feet. I will try to love them UNCONDITIONALLY. I have to be Thankful that these kind of days are happening less.  It makes me appreciate the good days when my pain level is only a 6. I have to believe that it won’t ALWAYS be like this. One day, the pain will go down to a 2… then a 1… then NOTHING AT ALL!!!

For now, these are my footprints. There’s just one set today.