You know that Sweet Conviction, reflected by a change of heart… Dripping like Honey, washing over you with gentle waves…Loving, Nurturing, and Strengthening? Do you know it?  Have you felt it?

Ah, Sweet Honey Thoughts.  That’s what I am going to call it for now.  I get them every once in a while.  I can recall the Moments in the past where I felt strong ones.  I remember where I was, and I remember it was always in that very moment where a spiritual epiphany occurs. It’s like the Heavens parting and the sunbeam reaching straight toward you, right into your heart if you let it.

It is that pivotal Moment in your life where you have been experiencing circumstances that feel too heavy, are facing the things you do not want to face with courage enough to just stand there and open your eyes.

It is the Active decision to Make that Change you’ve secretly known that you need to make.  That One thing that keeps rearing its ugly head. Maybe it’s a habit or a character trait. Whatever it may be, it is Within this Honey Thought, that Renewal comes swiftly, equipped with Grace to change something, face something, or Humble yourself in a way you can clearly now see that you’ve been needing all your life.

The Beauty in this Moment, is ABSOLUTELY FREE of guilt or shame.  It is Peaceful.  You want to partner with it Immediately, and get on Board easily.  A genuine smile cannot be helped.  I think some people may even grow an inch or two right here.

My last Honey thought was a result of something really ugly that came out of my heart. A deep and very Real cry of weariness that I could no longer suppress or deny.  It was a Serious “Ouch!”  But it took this tragic sentence in order for me to be real with myself. I couldn’t get the fact out of my head that THAT was really IN me! Yuck!

I meditated on it all week long.  There was something about the Honesty, something Pure. I had to accept and admit that I felt that way. I rode the Roller Coaster of Guilt and Shame, stopping off to beat myself up some more, then get back on the ride. It was a horrible, Heavy feeling. I must say that this was Not a fun way to deal with it.

I untied the blindfold, opened my eyes, and turned to Face it.  I dealt with it.  It really wasn’t so scary.  Then came the Honey…

Genuine Repentance brought Freedom, Renewal, and a new Desire to Hope again.  This was a Breeding Ground for Thankfulness for me.  It’s like someone opened my eyes again.

I have so much to be Thankful for.  So much. I have been focusing on the one thing that hasn’t happened yet, when ALL Around me there are buds and blooms, sweet smells and bubbles of Blessings, actively dancing and swirling around me. It is Beautiful. It is Colorful.  It is my life, and I can actually say that I LIKE it.

Yep. We are doing it.

Yep, it seems like a swift jump onto the Home School Train, but really, it’s been a passion and desire of mine for some years now.

Two weeks into this wild amusement park ride and I am choosing to exhale, lift my head up, take a deep breath, and rise to this challenge.  Let’s just say there is a LOT of room to grow….FOR ME!

Wow. I said it.

We laughed yesterday for the first time during school.  The deep, belly laughs that just get you going into streams of giggles and weird snorts.  Laughing with an 8 year old is fun.  My husband said that I was acting like a “3rd grader” tonight. What? I can’t burp in a roomful of men that seldom hold back their bodily functions?

Oh.  It was because it happened at the dinner table.  Oops!

Well, back to LAUGHING during school…

There hasn’t been much of it.  It’s been more challenging then I imagined. There’s been a lot of frustration and tears. I have felt a lot of pressure trying to figure it all out.  I am realizing that what we’re doing now is just basically bringing the classroom into my home. That’s not really what I wanted. I thought I wanted more structure and help from a Charter school, but now my Freedom is feeling a bit squeezed. All these things are good though; it has helped me to realize what I DO want out of this year.

A passion is welling up in me.  It is my vision and heart for this year with Elijah. It is Beautiful and Creative and Fun.  It harnesses his strengths and abilities, encourages his gifts and strengthens our heart connection.  It is balanced with goals and accomplishments, and favorite things. It is led by his ever-changing needs and interests. And it is only the Beginning…

“All Aboard!”

I’ve been beaten down and weary.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t recognize myself anymore.  I used to be such a fighter.  Somewhere along the way I misplaced my championship belt.

What happened? Why have I resorted to “just taking it?”  It’s like I got so tired of losing that I just laid down and let myself get run over. Not just on a quiet street, but more like on a freeway.

No, I haven’t been hopeless…

Have you ever felt like this?  Where you just get beaten down, stand up, and then get squashed back down?  You crawl back up, get absolutely pummeled, get up again, then get hammered even more? Each time you get on your feet, it’s like there’s another villain waiting to get you.   I’ve had enough.  I’m ready to take the “victim” sign off my forehead. I’m picking up my boxing gloves.

I have just been too weary to stand up again. So it feels like I’ve given up.  Deep down I haven’t though.  I think I just needed a rest! Like that’s so wrong?

This has been the season where my friends are the ones holding me up.   They BELIEVE when I don’t.  They Pray when I can’t.  They HOPE when I can’t see.  They have been RELEASING Faith, Declarations, and Peace over me.  They have been Standing and Fighting FOR ME.

I thought I was fighting.  It’s an all-day, everyday battleground for me.  The first battle I win each day is getting out of bed.  At least I start out Victorious!  I thought I’ve been fighting because I push through and still do so much despite how I feel. I thought I was fighting…

I thought I was a fighter because I used to stand against all the pain and arthritis and just flat out rebuke it.  I spent hours a day doing this.  Am I really supposed to fight this hard?  Is there Grace?  Yes.  Are we “CO-labors?  Are we supposed to Strive for something that’s already been done?

I have been fighting with my actions:  physically NOT accepting my limitations, proving myself to any and all who may see that I am not a lazy, worthless person because I have pain that severely limits my abilities.  So I go Truckin’ along, despite the pain, and that’s how I’ve been fighting.  Yes, I have Faith. But where has it been directed?

I’m just now realizing that I’ve been focusing on the wrong battlefield.

My inner self-talk needs to change.  I need to SPEAK what I don’t see over my hands, my feet, the pain.  I need to tell my feet what they CAN do instead of getting frustrated and focusing on what they can’t. Each struggle throughout the day and all the reality talk in my mind is just downright depressing.  Yes, I have joy.  But does that mean I’m really happy?

Somewhere and Somehow I need to lay down all the disappointments, fears, self-pity and hopelessness.  I just need to get OVER it and GET UP AGAIN!

I’m going to change what I say in my mind about myself, and what I speak out over myself.  There’s power in our words.  Try it and see what happens.

So here I am, STANDING! It’s not a graceful process, but at least I can get up.

Feet, I LOVE you.  You WILL RUN one day.  Hands, I am GRATEFUL for you- you do so much for my family, and you will be able to do it all WITHOUT PAIN someday. Elbows, you have endured the fire.  You are STRONG!  …and Mind….You CAN be RENEWED!

Freedom is as simple as the ability to get out of your house!  At least, that’s what is is for me right now!  All of a sudden, as of last week, I am able to load up my baby in the car AND drive.  OOOH- what a combo!  Yep, Life is beginning to look up.

I took my little guy to his one year Dr. appointment ALL BY MYSELF!  Now this may seen small, but it is a little victory to me because I have NEVER taken him to an appointment before.  For the past ten months I have relied on strategic planning with my husband and friends on my good days when I could actually drive.  I needed someone to load him up and someone at the destination to take him out.  Then, upon my return travels, I had to make sure I had arms to get him back inside our house.  Yeah, headache.

When it’s not so easy to go places and it takes all that planning, it’s just easier to stay at home.  There were times I didn’t leave the house, or even go outside for two weeks.  It was just too hard. I didn’t notice that the walls had closed in and I was so affected by it until my husband would convince me that it was worth getting out.  It was those moments I realized that it WAS worth the extra effort, and the possibility of “paying for it” later.  It was OK though, because it got me out of my comfort zone.  It was a true breath of fresh air.

But SUDDENLY, I find myself with the ability to get out on my own!  Wow!  Let the clouds part and the sun SHINE straight down on me!  (Insert a little background music right here.)

Now those little things that need to get done can actually get done! The Best part is that I don’t have to rely on someone else to do it for me, or for help to make it happen!  Help is always appreciated, however everyone needs a bit of independence, right?

I need to slow down because I am wearing myself out!  I’m trying to make up for the last year and doing way too much.  It feels so foreign to zip around my house and get so much done in a day. Yet it is a very Welcome phenomenon! Funny that finding the balance doesn’t come too easy.  I just have to be thankful for this ability right now, and let the Hope seed have a little place to grow in my heart.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I have to be thankful and appreciate each moment, every trip to the grocery store, and every walk out into my yard to the tire swing. I have to hold on to the truth that THIS is how it’s supposed to be!

I still have pain all over, but it’s not stopping me.  I will always truck on through it.  I have to. My pain levels have been between 8-10 on a scale of 1-10 all year.  Just this little relief of living at a 6-7 seems like a huge gift of relief! No matter how much I hurt, I just have to keep going. I cannot lay down and stop. If I did, there would be  no victories.  I would lose. I will not lose on this battlefield!

Life throws us those curve balls and our plans seldom look like the blueprints we have in our minds.  Adjusting is not easy, but fighting it just seems to take more energy. I am constantly finding myself repositioning myself, trying to weave these two concepts into some beautiful kind of tapestry.  It always looks different. Somehow, accepting where I’m at has brought freedom.

I’ll rest in this new-found freedom and enjoy every moment while I can!

When I spend 5 minutes attempting to open a jar from every angle, slamming it on the counter, and contorting my body into strange yoga positions (hurting myself in the process), and FINALLY end up going to my husband (who’s in the next room), WITHOUT getting frustrated, angry or swearing AND calmly, with a smile on my face, ask for help: this is a little victory!

My days are filled with these moments. Tiny things that most people never think about, because they are usually effortless. Moments that stop my flow and have all the ingredients for an emotional breakdown, or tantrum, if you’d rather call it that. Well, in my world, nothing is effortless. Everything is hard because everything hurts. It’s just the season I’m in.

The other day I wanted to take my baby outside. Most moms take their baby for a walk. Since I am in this season of barely walking (on my GOOD days) I have the incredible opportunity to take my baby for a scooter ride. You know, the ones that the elderly cruise down the street on in those commercials? Yep, I have one. Got it when I had my hip replaced 5 years ago. At least it’s fun! I choose to focus on that!

So, I pick up my 22 pound, 11 month old, and I am literally trying not to groan because of the pain in each step. At my snail pace, it takes me FOREVER (about 5 minutes) to get out to the detached garage. It was like torturing my feet to even get there. I remember thinking, “I’m almost there!” Sitting down on the scooter was like the reward for making it so far! With Abraham on my hip I reached up to unlock the door with the keys I remembered to bring!

Unfortunately I was unable to turn the key with one hand due to my massive swollen fingers. I tried four times to no avail. This would be a two hand job. Inside I wanted to scream.

The ground was saturated from the rain, there was nowhere to put the baby down where it was safe. I wanted to scream out loud at this point. I was extremely frustrated and angry that it was turning into such a hard thing.  Giving up sounded really easy. But you know what?  I’m tired of giving up and giving in to this invisible giant in my life.

I turned around and walked all the way back inside and had to find a safe place for him to go while I trudged back out so I could unlock the door with both hands. Now, this doesn’t seem like a big deal, but these are the days where I am literally counting my steps because I only have so many per day. If I walk too much in the morning, I will be using my wheelchair that afternoon. I have tears streaming down my face because of the pain. I cannot bend my ankles, they are so swollen.

I made it back into the house and got the baby, and by this point I was determined I was going to make this happen and enjoy my time outside. It would have been so easy to give up and just stay inside with him. I needed to conquer this, and I needed a victory! We ended up on the scooter about 20 minutes after my initial idea to actually go for a ride. Was it worth it?  HELL YEAH! There was so much JOY! We had so much FUN! And to think I almost gave up and could have missed this time with my son, teaching him about the world outside, singing as we cruise down the street with the Spring breeze at out tail…

In all this, I felt the frustration climbing up inside me and a fierce moment of self-pity that momentarily paralyzed me while a defeated me stood in front of the locked door. Somehow I forced the anger and the pity back down, took a deep breath and kept going.

I am pretty determined and persistent. I cannot stand being defeated by jars and doorknobs, buttons or drawers. My reality is that I am about 80% of the time. Every day I have to ask for help in so many things. But this time, I did it myself. I didn’t lose my sanity. I had self-control and patience, and just did what I needed to do. I cried, but I didn’t give up.

This is a little Victory!