Being Relational is hard, especially if you are task oriented. It’s fun, but it doesn’t come natural. I have to be intentional, especially with my kids, and especially when I am Home schooling…

This week my life has been turned upside down and inside out because of my toddler’s sickness. Stopping everything completely to just “be” is such a foreign idea to me. It mostly happens when I finally realize I just need to let go. No, I mean REALLY let go.

That is the revelation I got for this week.  I have not been able to look at my weekly planner,check off my “to do” list, keep previous engagements, or do much of anything except hold and rock my nearly 30 pound little dude. Home school? Nope. Couldn’t handle it. Making food and sticking to really great food choices? Nope. No time. My well-oiled machine of a household became mighty dysfunctional as I just had to stop fighting reality and just fully embrace the situation. (Well, really, we survived, but I just didn’t get a whole lot done.)

It is easy to sit here and feel like I got robbed of my week. BUT instead, I will choose to focus on the things I DID do, and laugh at the rest of it.  I will save you the play-by-play of my psycho Mom moments where frazzled nerves got the best of me. BUT I will say, they were not as bad as they could have been had I left my agenda in its usual place, high up on the pedastool, where unreachable expectations manage to invade…

Ew. Not this week. Revelations come in many perspectives, sometimes needed to be drilled so deep through a mighty wall of layers. Sometimes it takes complete brokenness to open the eyes of your heart in order to receive.

I decided to just be… More Relational. Something that gets lost in my day because I am usually functioning at 30% of an average person. So I push myself to “make up for it” and end up wearing myself out. Not this week, well, at least not for those reasons!

My baby just needed me. My husband was Amazing and he helped out alongside me night after night. Then Abraham played the Inevitable “Mom card,” the one that says, “Mom only. Nothing else will do.”  Enter the Brokenness.

It hurts. Yet it is such a Beautiful place to be. Lots can happen when you just stop and just be. Relational.

But this is one thing I will not write on my list… I want it to come from my heart.

I’ve been doing pretty good, back on the gluten-free diet, eating mostly Raw and trying to be more active.  For me, being active starts with just walking up and down my street.  Even halfway counts if it’s one of *those* days.  I’ve made all these changes in hopes to get strong, and get strong FAST!  I realize this will take time, but I am just very EXCITED and EAGER to get on LIVING my life!  I’ve got two boys to chase! C’mon!

I’ve fallen 4 times this past month.  It’s a tad bit discouraging, because it really hurts.  Also, it’s just a wake-up call for how far I really need to go, how much ground I need to “take back.” The good news is that even though I fell all these times, I was ABLE to get up!  Now, this may sound obvious to most people who fall, you just get up again.  Well, if you have a strange combination of parts that aren’t moving and bound with pain, it’s just not so easy.

When we were living in our coffee shack in Hawaii, I decided to go sit outside and get some fresh air while Elijah was napping.  He was probably 5 or 6 months old.  At this time, my knees were swollen bigger than my thighs, and my hands and wrists were so bad, I had people come help me lift and move my baby around.  You just find a different way to do things because you have to.  I learned to pick him up with my forearms and chin.  Yes, I’m just That talented.

So, this beautiful fine day I decided to do my graceful “fall” into the hammock in our yard.  It caught me, and I enjoyed the fresh air and the quiet moment.  As I tried to get up, I fell out of the hammock and landed on my rear-end. Ouch!  I tried to get up. Frustrated and crying, I continued to roll and move and get myself into some kind of position to get up.  Nothing!

I cried, had my pity party, and then prayed.  Josh was working on the farm that day, and was usually gone for a few more hours.  None of our neighbors were home, and I just sat there. I asked God to bring Josh back.  I prayed that he wouldn’t know why, but he would just feel like coming home.  I asked for Peace, felt it, and then sat back and listened to the birds singing.  The sun felt amazing as I just laid back and rested, laughing at myself and the predicament I was in.

Fifteen minutes later I heard footsteps and I sat up to see who it was.  Josh walked into the yard and I called out to get his attention.  He said he felt like he needed to come home, but he didn’t know why.  I explained what happened, and he helped me up and inside the house. Elijah woke up just about then.  Funny how it just all worked out.

So this time, when I did the face-plant in my yard, I was able to get up and walk all by myself.  I sprained a couple toes and was pretty sore for 5 or 6 days, but who cares!

I am so THANKFUL that I could get up! I’ve got to hold on to something!

So I am determined to get stronger!  I am embarking on this journey with a furious desire and passion to Persevere through it ALL with the ability to Laugh at myself as I go Truckin’ along…

I am a Certified Health Nut. A Glorified, granola-munchin, organic lovin’ squirrel-food-eating, give me Raw food, Happy kind of Original.  I have put tons of Chemicals and Medicines in my body for too long due to the necessity to keep on Truckin’…

It’s about time I stopped.

Enter Young Living, and the possibility to be chemical free and medicine free once again.

Last winter, after my son came home with the swine flu, we were all sick from the end of October to April, with about 4-5 healthy weeks in between.  It was ridiculous! So when we signed up for Young Living and got the Essential oils kit, I was not only enthused about Thieves, but ESTATIC and Eager to try it.

My family has entered into what I am calling the “Thieves Experiment.” I do not want to repeat last year.  My immune system is 10% of a normal person because of the Enbrel I take for Arthritis.

For 6 weeks now, we have been taking Thieves.  I put a couple drops in Rice Milk or my water, we put a drop on my baby’s feet. We have been around numerous people who have been sick and we are well!  If we feel a sore throat, we put some directly in our throat. It is AMAZING! It even kills black mold.

One bottle lasts our family a month.  It is a $35 investment which I am MORE THAN WILLING to pay!  We are healthy!

So, I just wanted to share our Thieves Experiment.  I am tired of pumping my kids with cold medicine, tylenol and motrin.  I am so happy to find an alternative that actually works, and fits my Organic lovin, Granola lifestyle…

If this sounds interesting, and you would like to try it, you can order some from this link:

https://www.youngliving.org/johnsonliving

Scroll down and you will find thieves. I got the basic kit so I could get wholesale prices.  It is Wonderful!

Some people paint, and it’s their heart and soul for all to see; others write, and it’s the same for all to read. Some talk and others listen and receive. How do you release? How do you feed your needs?

We all need to find healthy ways to process, release, and express ourselves. It starts with being REAL.  How real are we, with our friends? Spouses? Ourselves?

Release or Escape. That’s where I am. It’s a basic choice when you are just maintaining.

My brain swells with so many words and ideas.  I have attempted to write numerous times the past few weeks, and just walked away with tears of frustration. What sounds great in my head, or has absolute clarity, is just NOT translating well to paper. Does that mean it needs more time to stew?

So I STUFF STUFF STUFF  it all away, tucking it in nicely like I would a child. Unhealthy stuffing gets me through a bit longer.  Horrible recipe for survival, but when you are a passive aggressive people pleaser with company, what can you do?

Writing is my healthy release. It is a safe and secure place to be real. The only way someone will see that deep into my soul is if I choose to show them. I wasn’t aware of how much I NEEDED this release until I started releasing, got WAAAAY too busy with Life, and then had no time.

I am learning to recognize some needs that I had stuffed away because it’s easier for me to give it all away then to take care of myself. So my issues pile up and then they have issues, and so on.  My need to write is as important as my other basic needs, like food and water. At least, it feels that way when you’ve been pent up and are about to explode.  The boiling point is evident from the steam coming out my ears. There needs to be a release.

There are so many places and topics I have been willing to go to, but I am still looking for that key that fits. The one where my heart is unlocked, and without fear, I can proceed to be completely transparent. Then it will just all SPILL…..

When I was 14 years old and diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, the emotions, fears, and pain were all so overwhelmingly intense that I could barely talk about anything. I stuffed most of it, but found a huge release through poetry. This is where I was able to express the deepest of pains.  I will share some of those one day.  It is my heart, completely transparent, reflecting the anguish, hope and questions in my soul.

I am LONGING for that deep transparency once again.  I haven’t been able to find it anywhere else.  Sometimes it sneaks up to the surface and leaks out, but not fully, not everything, all at once, without inhibitions and fear of what others will think.

I am CRAVING that release.  I have not been getting my needs met and I am longing for that safe place.  I want to just disappear for a few days and soak in it; just let everything all flow out…

There would be moments of violent eruptions, and calm flows too.  The release will bring Clarity in my head, and Freedom from the deep pain I am not supposed to carry.

The Release is beckoning. It is calling to me. It is massaging my heart and softening it, welcoming me with Love and Peace.  My spirit longs to be there.  It longs to be safe and loved. I am discovering that this is how I connect to Him.  My heart is open and longing, and I have just now found the right key.

It felt like a scene from “The Grapes of Wrath” and the “Beverly Hillbillies” as we pulled out of our driveway.  We were just missing Grandma riding in the chair.  Just so ya know-  we DID bring the rocking chair. Hey!  Camping with Arthritis?  I have Needs!

“How was camping,” people keep asking me. I have two choices when I answer, well, rather two directions I could take.  This is a place for me to be real, so here goes it…

My first reaction is to say that it was really hard.  These words do not do justice when it comes to explaining it all, but it sums it up enough. My body is still screaming from the trip, but I SURVIVED!  I did it!  Did I do it with a smile?  Well, I certainly tried!

I am still in “Recovery Mode.”  That means I will have to conserve movements and try not to get swept up in any torrential downpours or whirlwinds that come my way, even if I have created them.  Just being Mom and managing the household feels like I am overdoing it.  However, I am a PRO at operating in this mode.  My mid-afternoon peak offers a 2-3 hour window where the stiffness has lessened and I am able to get a majority of basic things done. The biggest hurdle is fighting the pain.

I have to put on my boxing gloves and Stand against all the fleshly pain; it is then that I can see the Blessings, the Moments that made it ALL worth it.  I have to hold on to those moments with a death-defying, white-knuckled grip. I cannot let how I feel RIGHT NOW Rob me of those Precious, Amazing Moments!

Camping with the Johnson Family?  Well, 59 turned out this year. It was Priceless.  Beautiful.  Amazing.  Such Love and Joy and Willingness to Serve I have rarely witnessed.  The Comraderie is Absolute, the Attentiveness is Full of Genuine Care and Compassion.  The Excitement to be together and “Play” is a buzzing Energy that swarms camp. All Ages are Helpful, Teamwork Abounds, and the Games… FUN FUN FUN!!!

So I am THANKFUL I got to experience this Family in action.  I am Blessed to be a part of it. I did have a hard time walking and my scooter fell on the “woulda coulda shoulda” list…   Numerous cousins, Aunts and Uncles, my Dad, and even my eight year old son escorted me all around camp.  The pain was intense, I longed for my scooter, BUT these loving arms that helped me were also the bearer of Moments I will never forget!

Moments to laugh at myself for how I was getting around.  Moments to gaze up at the cliffs along the Columbia River Gorge and see the warm colors as the sun set.  Moments to stop, breathe, and just SEE what was all around me.  Moments to visit on the pathway as my escort held me up so I wouldn’t fall.

Moments with Family are just downright PRICELESS! What’s helping me get through this recovery mode is these memories.  Our kids got to spend time with their Great Grandparents!  Good, solid time.  I am focusing on how much this trip was worth the cost- that small cost of comfort that I mentioned before.  It WAS good to push myself and make this happen. Moments are the Gold that shines in the memories.

These Moments enter in during the still quiet second that we stop.  I am practicing this a lot lately.  Letting it all just go.  Fly fly away all the little nagging things.  Fly far far away.  Shifting to “the here and now,” and enjoying what is around me comes easy to some.  I have to work at it. My husband and I balance each other out that way.

Life is made up of a bunch of Moments. Which ones do you focus on? I just want to share that it IS possible to retrain yourself!

I make Mountains.

With every thought laced with anxiety, “what-if’s,” or fear, another load of dirt piles up on the mountain I’ve made in front of me. Then, it’s in my way, and I must climb it. Pretty dysfunctional system I got going on!

This latest mountain had become 1000’s of feet tall over the past two months.  As I stood before it and it towered above me, I was forced to make a choice:  continue feeding my mind with fear-based, stressed-out thought patterns ~OR~ put on my hiking boots and climb.

This particular mountain had a name: Camping.

Our annual Johnson Family Camp-Out (JFCO for short) was the culprit of this particular bout of worry and stress. I had been mentally preparing myself for the last two months, trying to figure out all the “this-in-thats” and “yada-yadas” to enable a certain level of my comfort zone to exist in camping conditions.  During this process I created this mountain that loomed above me.

These kind of mountains are capable of causing the “deer in the headlights” reaction, and can keep you at a standstill for weeks, months, or years.  These kind of mountains can get so large and can become so powerful that you may begin to wonder where your freedom has gone!  These kind of mountains can also become too comfortable…

It was a genuine battle for excitement about this family vacation.  That sounds HORRIBLE!  But you see, Camping= Pain to me. It is Willingly placing myself in a more uncomfortable state devoid of any true relief for an extended period of time.  It is a costly endeavor. Last time, it took three weeks to recover.

Why do I go?  Ah- see, this is where the mental battle comes in.  I must push through mentally and emotionally in this. When you’re in pain, it tends to take over your focus and it can be quite difficult to get past yourself.  All the S’mores and star-gazing and fun camping things don’t immediately pop in my head.  Pain Management does.

I GO, because this is a tradition worthy of the small sacrifice of comfort. The Johnson Family is Treasure from Heaven!

We were unable to make it last year.  I’ve already shared about how hard it was a year ago.  Camping was not in the vocabulary. But this year, we were going, and I was trying to prepare in every way imaginable so I could enjoy myself.  I am a walking oxymoron…

A few days before we left I was driving home, thinking of a year ago when I couldn’t drive. JOY came over me and I got really excited!  “We are going this year! It is so special and I am so excited to see the family,” I told myself. I started to think about all the fun times and relationship that occurred every time we voyaged up north to the JFCO.  It just melted all the fears.

I had been dwelling on all the hard stuff!  As I started to toss out all the fears and anxieties, it felt like I was digging up the mountain. Something sparkly caught my eye! I had struck Gold! I continued to dig and mine for more.

Yes!  It would be physically pushing myself beyond my limits.  Yes, it could be painful.  BUT: Family! Good Times! Building Memories!  Laughs, and all the GOOD things FAAAAAAAAAAAAR outweighed it all! It is ALWAYS worth it and I always return MORE in LOVE with the JOHNSON Family!

There was a treasure chest FULL of jewels in this mountain.  I had just covered it all with dirt!  It took some serious digging to expose it! Once I got a glimpse, the mountain started to dwindle, the trip sounded fun again, and I relaxed about everything.  I kept focusing on all the RIGHT stuff, and the mountain dwindled to a hill that I could see past.  I can’t honestly say it was eliminated, but at least I could easily climb over it.

So now, I’m wondering and pondering this:  What other mountains have I created? What am I missing because I’ve chosen to partner with “pain management” and a comfort zone mindset?  How much are Bulldozers?

Cause I’ve got GOLD FEVER!

I’ve been beaten down and weary.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t recognize myself anymore.  I used to be such a fighter.  Somewhere along the way I misplaced my championship belt.

What happened? Why have I resorted to “just taking it?”  It’s like I got so tired of losing that I just laid down and let myself get run over. Not just on a quiet street, but more like on a freeway.

No, I haven’t been hopeless…

Have you ever felt like this?  Where you just get beaten down, stand up, and then get squashed back down?  You crawl back up, get absolutely pummeled, get up again, then get hammered even more? Each time you get on your feet, it’s like there’s another villain waiting to get you.   I’ve had enough.  I’m ready to take the “victim” sign off my forehead. I’m picking up my boxing gloves.

I have just been too weary to stand up again. So it feels like I’ve given up.  Deep down I haven’t though.  I think I just needed a rest! Like that’s so wrong?

This has been the season where my friends are the ones holding me up.   They BELIEVE when I don’t.  They Pray when I can’t.  They HOPE when I can’t see.  They have been RELEASING Faith, Declarations, and Peace over me.  They have been Standing and Fighting FOR ME.

I thought I was fighting.  It’s an all-day, everyday battleground for me.  The first battle I win each day is getting out of bed.  At least I start out Victorious!  I thought I’ve been fighting because I push through and still do so much despite how I feel. I thought I was fighting…

I thought I was a fighter because I used to stand against all the pain and arthritis and just flat out rebuke it.  I spent hours a day doing this.  Am I really supposed to fight this hard?  Is there Grace?  Yes.  Are we “CO-labors?  Are we supposed to Strive for something that’s already been done?

I have been fighting with my actions:  physically NOT accepting my limitations, proving myself to any and all who may see that I am not a lazy, worthless person because I have pain that severely limits my abilities.  So I go Truckin’ along, despite the pain, and that’s how I’ve been fighting.  Yes, I have Faith. But where has it been directed?

I’m just now realizing that I’ve been focusing on the wrong battlefield.

My inner self-talk needs to change.  I need to SPEAK what I don’t see over my hands, my feet, the pain.  I need to tell my feet what they CAN do instead of getting frustrated and focusing on what they can’t. Each struggle throughout the day and all the reality talk in my mind is just downright depressing.  Yes, I have joy.  But does that mean I’m really happy?

Somewhere and Somehow I need to lay down all the disappointments, fears, self-pity and hopelessness.  I just need to get OVER it and GET UP AGAIN!

I’m going to change what I say in my mind about myself, and what I speak out over myself.  There’s power in our words.  Try it and see what happens.

So here I am, STANDING! It’s not a graceful process, but at least I can get up.

Feet, I LOVE you.  You WILL RUN one day.  Hands, I am GRATEFUL for you- you do so much for my family, and you will be able to do it all WITHOUT PAIN someday. Elbows, you have endured the fire.  You are STRONG!  …and Mind….You CAN be RENEWED!

I am Thankful for my feet.  I am Thankful for my feet.

Repeat 10 times.

This is one of those days that I MUST force myself to be Thankful for these things at the end of my legs that are causing me such intense pain.  Some people don’t have feet.  Therefore, I MUST be thankful that I have feet.

The pain has been building the past few days, probably because I have been functioning at “Normal.” My pain levels went down a couple points on the Richter Scale.  For me, this is HUGE, a reason to celebrate, and enough cause to go 200 miles per hour.

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest level of pain imaginable, I have scooted through this past year at an 8-9.  It takes A LOT to stop this Energizer Bunny on Crack.

A “10″ day puts me in bed. That’s not good, but it’s something I need to work on.  I need to LISTEN to my body and get OFF my feet BEFORE the pain reaches an 8!  Tragically, there is Always so much to do and I get sucked in. I’m at a 9 right now.  Time to back down.

My Feet dictate my day. It’s Terrible and absolutely WRONG! But that’s how it is.  My feet determine how much I will accomplish, or how little; where I will go or where I won’t; going outside or staying in.  They have too much power.  How do I get it back?

My feet are Giant, reddish-purple, veiny, swollen, stiff and Throbbing.  Paints a pretty picture, doesn’t it? As much as I love summer, I am DREADING the moments when people will stare at my feet.  I have struggled for years with embarrassment of a swollen body.  In High School my knees were bigger than my thighs.  You will never see me in shorts.  I have boundaries.

My feet determine how I will dress, and the style I have.  Pretty dainty girly shoes with heels are merely something to admire from afar. Shoes are like art for me. “Oh- That’s Beautiful!  Look at the colors and the texture…”  I have to wear “special shoes” like Forrest Gump.  Just don’t call me “Grandma.”

Did I mention I am THANKFUL for my feet?

I am stuck in clothes that go with flip flops or tennis shoes.  I STRESS out about occasions that call for a dress.  My heart sinks.  It’s just impossible.

Today I got a sitter.  I was planning on getting work done and a bunch of errands out of the way. My feet have changed my plans… once again.  BIG Sigh…

This is where I just need to adjust and be flexible.  I need to accept what it is and stop fighting it. I need to blend it with Hope and add a Giant Heap of Thankfulness. This recipe makes 20 servings of Peace and JOY…

I will be Thankful that I have someone to chase my toddler all over the house today.  Each step I take is excruciating.  I will be thankful that I do not have to carry around a 25 pound bambino on my hip.  That would just make my feet worse right now.  I will be Thankful that I can just put my feet up and rest for a bit.  I deserve it.

I will be Thankful for my feet. I will try to love them UNCONDITIONALLY. I have to be Thankful that these kind of days are happening less.  It makes me appreciate the good days when my pain level is only a 6. I have to believe that it won’t ALWAYS be like this. One day, the pain will go down to a 2… then a 1… then NOTHING AT ALL!!!

For now, these are my footprints. There’s just one set today.

I miss food.  I think about it all the time.  My life revolves around it.  Adding gluten-free to my repertoire of restrictions is causing me to ardently and vigorously practice the Art of Self-Denial.  Everyday.

The first week at Trader Joe’s was ridiculous!  Like a 2-year-old, I had to say “No” to myself at least 20 times as I walked past something I wanted.  It didn’t help that I was limping so bad and moving at snail pace!  All those yummy and satisfying, delectable and savory items were beckoning to me as if seducing my taste buds.

I imagined myself slapping my own hand as I started to reach for something.  My self-control was revealing itself.  Each “No,” made me stronger.  The first three days were the hardest, but by the end of the week I didn’t feel like I was going to “cave” at the sight or smell of something I shouldn’t have.  I could calmly say “No.”  I lived on Lara Bars and apples with almond butter.

Here I am, day 63 into this Crazy Gluten-free, Vegan lifestyle, and I am no longer hanging by a thread… I am holding the scissors, poised to make my move!

If I could only be Vegetarian again!  What a dream!  Oh how I miss bread!  Cheese! Sandwiches! (Been dreaming a LOT about those lately!) I just don’t think I can do this anymore! I feel so whiney and deprived and I MISS FOOD!

Each day, at every meal, I have to deny myself. I have become the Master at self-denial. It is a strange, new form of pain.

The worst part is when I am feeding my baby a piece of perfectly buttered sourdough toast and the warm melted butter oozes between my fingers as I break it into smaller pieces for him to eat.  I envision myself just cramming it all in my mouth!  BUT I CAN’T!!!

I have sat across from my husband in my favorite bakery while he delighted in the BEST FRENCH DIP of his life while I ate a salad.  Did I mention that French Dips used to be my favorite?!!!

It was TORTURE!

I have to enjoy the smell of the foods I can’t have and be satisfied.  It hurts.  It’s not too much fun.  It’s what I’ve got to do right now.

I am moving around better and feeling better!  My pain levels have gone down a couple points, which is intensely AMAZING!  Obviously, I have to tell myself that this is all worth the sacrifice of a few minutes of satisfaction I would get in a piece of bread.

So how do I do this?  How do I say “No” to myself 50 times a day? I have to allow myself some vices.

I can’t give up everything because it feels like I already have. You can’t take my coffee.  You can’t take my red wine.  I am French and I have already given up bread and cheese! You cannot take my dark chocolate. But if you EVER try to take away potatoes I may seriously hurt you!  It’s all I got left!

I have to hold on and keep going.  I feel like these changes are adding years to my life and healing up my gut so I will get better.  For some reason, I have a grace for it Most of the time.  But those moments where I could just end it all and eat an entire loaf of bread?  I have those thoughts! I think about all my favorite foods that have gluten in them ALL the time! I am hoping that this will only last 6 months to a year and then MIRACULOUSLY my gut will be healed and I will be able to digest normal foods again.

For the time being, if you happen to see me staring at your food and you think I may actually attack your plate, you better move because I just might.

Freedom is as simple as the ability to get out of your house!  At least, that’s what is is for me right now!  All of a sudden, as of last week, I am able to load up my baby in the car AND drive.  OOOH- what a combo!  Yep, Life is beginning to look up.

I took my little guy to his one year Dr. appointment ALL BY MYSELF!  Now this may seen small, but it is a little victory to me because I have NEVER taken him to an appointment before.  For the past ten months I have relied on strategic planning with my husband and friends on my good days when I could actually drive.  I needed someone to load him up and someone at the destination to take him out.  Then, upon my return travels, I had to make sure I had arms to get him back inside our house.  Yeah, headache.

When it’s not so easy to go places and it takes all that planning, it’s just easier to stay at home.  There were times I didn’t leave the house, or even go outside for two weeks.  It was just too hard. I didn’t notice that the walls had closed in and I was so affected by it until my husband would convince me that it was worth getting out.  It was those moments I realized that it WAS worth the extra effort, and the possibility of “paying for it” later.  It was OK though, because it got me out of my comfort zone.  It was a true breath of fresh air.

But SUDDENLY, I find myself with the ability to get out on my own!  Wow!  Let the clouds part and the sun SHINE straight down on me!  (Insert a little background music right here.)

Now those little things that need to get done can actually get done! The Best part is that I don’t have to rely on someone else to do it for me, or for help to make it happen!  Help is always appreciated, however everyone needs a bit of independence, right?

I need to slow down because I am wearing myself out!  I’m trying to make up for the last year and doing way too much.  It feels so foreign to zip around my house and get so much done in a day. Yet it is a very Welcome phenomenon! Funny that finding the balance doesn’t come too easy.  I just have to be thankful for this ability right now, and let the Hope seed have a little place to grow in my heart.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I have to be thankful and appreciate each moment, every trip to the grocery store, and every walk out into my yard to the tire swing. I have to hold on to the truth that THIS is how it’s supposed to be!

I still have pain all over, but it’s not stopping me.  I will always truck on through it.  I have to. My pain levels have been between 8-10 on a scale of 1-10 all year.  Just this little relief of living at a 6-7 seems like a huge gift of relief! No matter how much I hurt, I just have to keep going. I cannot lay down and stop. If I did, there would be  no victories.  I would lose. I will not lose on this battlefield!

Life throws us those curve balls and our plans seldom look like the blueprints we have in our minds.  Adjusting is not easy, but fighting it just seems to take more energy. I am constantly finding myself repositioning myself, trying to weave these two concepts into some beautiful kind of tapestry.  It always looks different. Somehow, accepting where I’m at has brought freedom.

I’ll rest in this new-found freedom and enjoy every moment while I can!