I’ve had a rough week. I took a hard hit, became very discouraged, and am still in the process of trying to pull myself together. Sorting out what is real can take time.

I have been on my Vegetarian version of the GAPS diet for over 60 days. I was doing pretty good, considering I have been on NO medicine! In the middle of my third week of slowly introducing food, my joints became really stiff, and I re-entered “Pain World.”

Life became really hard, being a Mom became harder, and keeping up with my scientific lab (aka my kitchen) became so overwhelming that I just have to stop.

The Valley is a stark contrast to the Mountaintop, especially when you’re catapulted down so quickly by Discouragement.

I have to admit that the stiffness and pain had been building for a couple weeks. I just kept telling myself that it was a painful process to start moving parts of your body that have been locked up for decades. The question of, “Is it something I’m eating?” just sent me over the edge. Why? Because I knew the answer was “possibly,” and I knew what that meant: going backwards.

I sunk, and I sunk Fast.

I am a Foodie, and I have been just so stinkin’ excited to eat! Period!  This was devastating news to me to realize I needed to take a step back. I have had a week of wallowing in this slimy pit and I am trying to crawl out of it, and keep my mind set on the Hope I have and the Reason I have been doing this whole GAPS thing. It’s hard to see that Billboard when you’re soaking in a dungeon of self-pity.

It’s just food.

Yes, but it’s just BREAKING me Again.

Part of the Process I guess. Can I take an Eagle’s eye view now? Can I throw in some intention and shift my thoughts?

Trying.

I thought I was past facing all these food issues. It seems I have just graced the surface. There’s Deeper ones to be explored. UGH! Am I strong enough to do this? Am I weak enough to admit that I can’t do this alone?

So for now, I have gone back to the first week of zucchini pancakes made with almond butter and eggs, avocado, broth, and an apple between meals. I think I need to just do a  juice fast  for a few days, but I am still “adjusting” and accepting that.

Is my stiffness going away? A little. Is the pain any better? Can’t really tell yet.

I’ll have to give it a week and see what happens.

All I know, is that I just conquered that Mountain, and sitting on that Peak was a dream come true. I could see for miles in all directions. I caught a glimpse of what my life should be like, pain-free; got to taste the freedom for a moment. The fall was rough, the Valley Dark and stifling. It is not where I want to remain. I liked that view I had, I enjoyed the breeze up on that Mountaintop.

I have to make a choice right now where I want to live from. Whether it’s the Valley or the Mountain, I need to have Grace for myself to Process, Time for myself to be Real, and Thankfulness to realize how far I’ve come.

Process and Preparation. You can’t have one without the other.

What would we change if we could look back on the times in our lives where we were in Process? What would change if we were determined to take an Eagle’s view, see the long-term in the moment, and Taste the Fruit of Intentional Labor? I know that I am in Process right now. I believe it is Preparation. The awareness of it right now, is a gift I am just unwrapping.

34 days ago I embarked on this journey. I never imagined going this long on just homemade vegetable broth and fresh juice. I’ve had an occasional egg, or half an avocado, and steamed broccoli just twice. I didn’t know that I would be making water kefir and kimchi and signing up for RAW milk, just so I could make creme fraiche and yogurt. My kitchen has changed so dramatically, I still cannot believe it when I look around.

I may seem cuckoo to some, and to others I am speaking your language. I just needed to admit that I hardly recognize myself and my surroundings, but there’s something appealing about that.

I have been BROKEN repeatedly, and sometimes more than I could bear. It is not easy to deny yourself everything that you love. I am still in my kitchen (which I’m realizing is really my office) for 4 to 5 hours a day. I am touching and smelling and gazing at the wondrous and radiant colors of fresh organic produce and creating yummy food for my family all day long. Hence the breaking…

I’m in Process and I’m being Prepared.

In this Incredible GAPS journey that has turned into a 40 day fast, I have stumbled upon a Glorious Revelation. It’s not really exaggerating to say that I have basically given up EVERYTHING  in the grocery store. Yet in this painful process, I have realized that these choices are creating a Blank canvas on the inside, a New Beginning, when it comes to food and my health. I am being Prepared.

If I have been Broken, then I am put back together by the “what if’s” and HOPES of a NEW Life, one with a Strong and Healthy body…

I have basically been preparing a blank canvas. I am ripping down addictions and habits and idolatry of food. I am experiencing a newfound clarity in how I would like to proceed, and how I would like to dress this canvas. I will get to pick out the colors and textures and brushes.

His Grace has been sufficient for me. There is no way I am sitting here today without it. I would have FAILED the first day.

I am in Process and I’m being Prepared. Just Soaking in that right now, and being Intentional…

I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to have all the GAPS recommended supplements lined up and ready to go. I wanted to have the confidence of knowing what I was doing; to be Fearless and Brave, a Conqueror. I wanted to at least finish reading the book…

…but I didn’t.

I wasn’t any of the above. I was just a girl, who decided to drink carrot juice one morning. I felt really good, so I just kept drinking it. I was “practicing,” and I felt much better, so I just kept going. I had boarded my spaceship and was zooming off toward the stars.

I had taken the plunge. Before I knew it, I was two days in. It felt really easy and I started experiencing this strange new phenomenon… All I wanted to do was go outside for a walk. I just wanted to MOVE around and I had (gulp) Energy! I haven’t felt that in years! I’m serious!

So I just kept going! I got my supplements in the mail, which included fermented cod liver oil (high pitch “EEEK!)  and decided to stay the course. I dove in the book (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) and I am still studying it. It is AMAZING! For anyone who wants to take their health back and set their kids up for success health-wise, please read it!

Here I am, day 6 of mostly juicing green lemonade and carrot-ginger juice, and drinking homemade vegetable broth. My first stop on my adventure finds me lacto-fermenting away. I have coconut milk kefir and water kefir doing their thing, and a 2nd attempt at coconut milk yogurt on the agenda for today. I branched out some more and made ghee (clarified butter).

I feel pretty good. I have moments when I feel “loopy” and times when I feel like I can do anything! I thought I would cry every minute at NOT being able to eat food. Instead, I find myself excited for what is to come! As I walk by the fruit bowl I am excited for an apple with almond butter! I had so much of that for so long I thought I would never want to eat it again!

I have made it this far, around my family who is eating lots of yummy healthy food that I cannot partake of, but that I am preparing. I am touching it, smelling it, breathing it, and you know what? I am OK! I was so scared of that part for so long! Food is my love language, my creative outlet, my passion. It will come back into my life, slowly and carefully, and I will enjoy it. For now, I must do this. There is Grace for it.

I am just taking it hour by hour, and I feel like I can keep going. It isn’t as scary or hard as I thought it would be! I could go back anytime, but I would never know what could have been… This is a ride of a lifetime. For MY life to have a renewed Quality of Life birthed within it.

I don’t remember what it’s like to not have pain, or make choices everyday due to limitations and pain. I don’t remember that freedom. But I want it and this is my way of going after it. It is something I CAN do.

My whole life could change and be so drastically different that I wouldn’t recognize it! This potential and Hope of a Promise keeps me going. It fuels my spaceship to go a bit further. I have to hang on to the dreams that lie ahead…

I am about to embark on a journey. At the end of it, I may find myself completely different- from the Inside-out.. I just may be able to live a more normal kind of lifestyle, without pain, and be more active.

I am trading bondage for Freedom. I am trading “I can’t,” for “I CAN!” It is a scary path to take because it requires me to restrict and deprive myself to the next level… (Insert suspense music here)

The Gut and Psychology Diet (a.k.a. GAPS Diet) is my spaceship. If I get on, my arthritis symptoms and the leaky gut issues that cause them could be left light years away.  I have stood in front of the Glorious shuttle for a few weeks now, taking it all in, adjusting in my own (very emotional) way to the idea of saying ” Goodbye” to food.  (K- I’ll cut down the drama a bit- saying Goodbye to some of my favorite foods)

I have been Gluten-free for 114 days because I have a gluten sensitivity. I have been Vegetarian for years, and Vegan the past two and a half. I just recently started to eat some cheese and I’m miserable. I don’t eat sugar.  My friends call me deprived, and I agree sometimes. I just know my gut is messed up and so I have been severely limited in what I can eat that doesn’t make me sick.

I have survived on nuts and nut butters, seeds, fruit and vegetables, quinoa and brown rice. I have been mostly RAW for a bit too. I eat pretty healthy, but I am just not well.

If I am about to board this vessel of HOPE called the GAPS Diet, I have to let go of more food that I love.

For the first two weeks I will be required to live on broth. Since I’m Vegetarian, I am figuring on a juicing and veggie broth combo. Then, slowly, I will be adding GAPS friendly foods. I already eat mostly this way, so once I get there, it will feel GLORIOUS!  But it’s the journey there…

When you eat like a squirrel, you gotta have SOME vices, right?

Hence my love affair with potatoes and Whirley-Pop popcorn. This is the hardest Goodbye. Dear Kettle Brand Barbeque chips and G’Rilla Bites mashed potatoes and Gravy- Oh how I will miss you so! Dear Whirley-Pop- I will never forget you! It’s Goodbye for now, but not Forever!

See, the purpose of the GAPS Diet is to heal your gut and restore the proper balance of everything so you can properly absorb nutrients and digest food. This could take up to two years.

After 20 years of toxic prescriptions and the Stress of constant Pain, my gut is a disaster. I believe it is the culprit of the arthritis symptoms.

So, out of sheer Desperation to stop being Miserable, and in Hope to have a Future where I can eat Pizza and Tri-tip and not get sick, I am preparing my spaceship for departure.

I just need a few more days to say goodbye to food. I need to make sure I am ready for this journey into the unknown. It is a long goodbye, but it is what I need to do so I don’t fail.

The end goal, the distant galaxy that awaits is one where riding bikes and running with my kids is normal. Where day-to-day “Life” is WITHOUT Pain.

That looks good enough for me to put on that astronaut gear.

Resting IN, (and not fighting) the Hard Days:

My Hard Days continue through the night, where Pain keeps me awake and frustrated. Sometimes I feel a bit Broken by it.

Most of the time I get on here, ready to just spill my guts and then I stop myself because I don’t want to complain.  It can be easier to just withdraw and hide. Since it’s a beautiful sunny day and a perfect time to air out the house, I thought I’d open up the window into my little world for a moment and let the fresh air flush out that stuffy feeling.

The Pain seldom stops when I sit or lay down. You think that would bring an element of ease, however the throbs and aches and screaming pangs of Rheumatoid Arthritis seem to have a mind of their own, despite my efforts of a fortress of pillows for propping, or an intention to seek relief. Sometimes this helps a bit, and the pain level may go down from a 9 to an 8, but most of the time it just rambles on.

You can imagine the frustration of seeking comfort and it just always being out of your reach.

It can be draining and wearisome, then it enters hopelessness and a giving up, eventually adjusting to some freakish resolve to just accept that the pain is there and I must somehow try to live my life standing on top of it and not buried by it. I need to get to that place – the Intentional decision that Despite it, I Can find something, sometimes ANYTHING to hold onto to rise above it. It is not a good thing to let it take over completely. Easy to write about; not so easy to do.

I am in a battle, whether it’s in the mind or in my body. My great revelation for today is this: Resting IN, (and not fighting) the hard days.

This doesn’t mean that I am giving up or swimming in a pool of self-pity. This doesn’t mean that I am useless and unworthy, nor does it give reason to be hard on myself (Thank you Suzanne!).

This means that I can let everything go and my bubble world will not explode or fall apart. I deserve to slow down and simplify. I am NOT defeated. I am just choosing to listen to my body that needs to stop doing so much. Funny how this removes me from Performance and Plunks me right smack dab in the middle of Relationship…

Funny how it’s the Hard Nights that cause me to reflect and be Thankful for the Moments when Comfort comes easier. Out of Brokenness comes a Thankful heart for the things like crawling into bed and finding comfort and actually being able to sleep for a few hours.

I am choosing today, to be Thankful that I’ve only had a few hard days this month. Usually, I only have a few Good ones.

Am I in Transition? Oh no! Could I be Hoping?

I am a masked crusader in my kitchen. In my imaginary lab coat and chef’s hat I create and invent new ways to manipulate RAW food into savory delights that my family will eat, and then ask for again. Yes, I even have my own evil chuckle and grin when I think about it…

Eating RAW is a mission and commitment that takes TIME. Lack of it, is the easiest excuse to not partake. So, in my busy little bubble of home schooling and writing and managing arthritis, I have come to the conclusion that if there will be RAW, it will be EASY. Here are a few easy things you CAN do to get more RAW food into your family’s diet.

Soaking:  It is super easy to soak some cashews or quinoa and then have it for the week.

Soak cashews overnight and then drain and rinse them. They will keep in the fridge in an airtight container for at least 4-5 days. Throw some soaked cashews into smoothies for extra protein and a creamy texture, or blend them up in a dip for veggies.

Soak quinoa overnight and drain and rinse it.  Let it sit in a colander under a towel for a day or two and it will sprout. Sprouted quinoa will last a week in the fridege in an airtight container.  I like to add a couple spoonfulls into my salads and it is really quite filling.  I made a raw lemon tahini sauce this week and put it over sprouted quinoa with some chopped red bell peppers, celery, grated carrots, and avocado.  It was amazing! I also added about a cup of sprouted quinoa into my Buckwheat Bliss cookies. Nobody knew the difference. (Insert evil chuckle here).

One of my greatest, easiest finds this past month that has become a staple in my home, is the “RAW MEAL Organic Meal Replacement” by Garden of Life. It is available at the Health Food store. It is high in protein and contains all RAW Organic Sprouts, Seeds and Greens, and is gluten-free! I mix a Tablespoon into a glass of orange juice, add it to smoothies, and sneak it into my toddler’s almond milk. It makes me HAPPY! Here’s the link to check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Garden-Life-RAW-Meal-2-6lb/dp/B0031JK95S

I am on a path to find love. I have the ability to love others, and give myself away in love. I have experienced what it is like to love the unlovable. I enjoy the feeling of love, and all that is required to love. Honestly though, I do not know how to love myself. I have partnered with self-hatred too long, and I have a really hard time receiving love.

Does it really matter that I have to squeeze into my clothes? Does it really matter that I have dark circles under my eyes, purplish swollen ankles, and a penguin limp? Are my imperfections so vast that I allow my mistakes, blemishes and frizz to destroy the beauty and life in a day? It’s a path to self-destruction when we choose to focus on what we don’t have, what hasn’t happened yet, or dreams we never followed. The stronghold of self-hatred presents itself when I forget who I am and the Destiny that cries out within me.

I often hear, “If you know your identity, then you wouldn’t feel this way.” Probably so. Therefore, I am on a journey to rediscover (not reinvent) myself, and what makes me tick.

All I gotta say for now, is that it is not easy.

When I am in the midst of a giant battle to love myself, especially this body that just seems so dysfunctional and is always in pain with every movement, it is ALL I can do to just STOP and Breathe.

I ask myself this question: What can I be Thankful for?

Sometimes my answer is that I am upright and breathing. Hey- that’s a pretty big one!

Thankfulness is one of my greatest weapons. It has the ability to defeat those microscopic imperfections in our lives. It leads me into Joy, even in the darkest and most painful times. It is like an eraser of circumstances. Thankfulness turns the night into dawn and shines light into the hidden places.

So how can I learn to love myself right where I’m at?

I think I just need to start with Thankfulness.

Being Relational is hard, especially if you are task oriented. It’s fun, but it doesn’t come natural. I have to be intentional, especially with my kids, and especially when I am Home schooling…

This week my life has been turned upside down and inside out because of my toddler’s sickness. Stopping everything completely to just “be” is such a foreign idea to me. It mostly happens when I finally realize I just need to let go. No, I mean REALLY let go.

That is the revelation I got for this week.  I have not been able to look at my weekly planner,check off my “to do” list, keep previous engagements, or do much of anything except hold and rock my nearly 30 pound little dude. Home school? Nope. Couldn’t handle it. Making food and sticking to really great food choices? Nope. No time. My well-oiled machine of a household became mighty dysfunctional as I just had to stop fighting reality and just fully embrace the situation. (Well, really, we survived, but I just didn’t get a whole lot done.)

It is easy to sit here and feel like I got robbed of my week. BUT instead, I will choose to focus on the things I DID do, and laugh at the rest of it.  I will save you the play-by-play of my psycho Mom moments where frazzled nerves got the best of me. BUT I will say, they were not as bad as they could have been had I left my agenda in its usual place, high up on the pedastool, where unreachable expectations manage to invade…

Ew. Not this week. Revelations come in many perspectives, sometimes needed to be drilled so deep through a mighty wall of layers. Sometimes it takes complete brokenness to open the eyes of your heart in order to receive.

I decided to just be… More Relational. Something that gets lost in my day because I am usually functioning at 30% of an average person. So I push myself to “make up for it” and end up wearing myself out. Not this week, well, at least not for those reasons!

My baby just needed me. My husband was Amazing and he helped out alongside me night after night. Then Abraham played the Inevitable “Mom card,” the one that says, “Mom only. Nothing else will do.”  Enter the Brokenness.

It hurts. Yet it is such a Beautiful place to be. Lots can happen when you just stop and just be. Relational.

But this is one thing I will not write on my list… I want it to come from my heart.

I’ve been doing pretty good, back on the gluten-free diet, eating mostly Raw and trying to be more active.  For me, being active starts with just walking up and down my street.  Even halfway counts if it’s one of *those* days.  I’ve made all these changes in hopes to get strong, and get strong FAST!  I realize this will take time, but I am just very EXCITED and EAGER to get on LIVING my life!  I’ve got two boys to chase! C’mon!

I’ve fallen 4 times this past month.  It’s a tad bit discouraging, because it really hurts.  Also, it’s just a wake-up call for how far I really need to go, how much ground I need to “take back.” The good news is that even though I fell all these times, I was ABLE to get up!  Now, this may sound obvious to most people who fall, you just get up again.  Well, if you have a strange combination of parts that aren’t moving and bound with pain, it’s just not so easy.

When we were living in our coffee shack in Hawaii, I decided to go sit outside and get some fresh air while Elijah was napping.  He was probably 5 or 6 months old.  At this time, my knees were swollen bigger than my thighs, and my hands and wrists were so bad, I had people come help me lift and move my baby around.  You just find a different way to do things because you have to.  I learned to pick him up with my forearms and chin.  Yes, I’m just That talented.

So, this beautiful fine day I decided to do my graceful “fall” into the hammock in our yard.  It caught me, and I enjoyed the fresh air and the quiet moment.  As I tried to get up, I fell out of the hammock and landed on my rear-end. Ouch!  I tried to get up. Frustrated and crying, I continued to roll and move and get myself into some kind of position to get up.  Nothing!

I cried, had my pity party, and then prayed.  Josh was working on the farm that day, and was usually gone for a few more hours.  None of our neighbors were home, and I just sat there. I asked God to bring Josh back.  I prayed that he wouldn’t know why, but he would just feel like coming home.  I asked for Peace, felt it, and then sat back and listened to the birds singing.  The sun felt amazing as I just laid back and rested, laughing at myself and the predicament I was in.

Fifteen minutes later I heard footsteps and I sat up to see who it was.  Josh walked into the yard and I called out to get his attention.  He said he felt like he needed to come home, but he didn’t know why.  I explained what happened, and he helped me up and inside the house. Elijah woke up just about then.  Funny how it just all worked out.

So this time, when I did the face-plant in my yard, I was able to get up and walk all by myself.  I sprained a couple toes and was pretty sore for 5 or 6 days, but who cares!

I am so THANKFUL that I could get up! I’ve got to hold on to something!

So I am determined to get stronger!  I am embarking on this journey with a furious desire and passion to Persevere through it ALL with the ability to Laugh at myself as I go Truckin’ along…

I am a Certified Health Nut. A Glorified, granola-munchin, organic lovin’ squirrel-food-eating, give me Raw food, Happy kind of Original.  I have put tons of Chemicals and Medicines in my body for too long due to the necessity to keep on Truckin’…

It’s about time I stopped.

Enter Young Living, and the possibility to be chemical free and medicine free once again.

Last winter, after my son came home with the swine flu, we were all sick from the end of October to April, with about 4-5 healthy weeks in between.  It was ridiculous! So when we signed up for Young Living and got the Essential oils kit, I was not only enthused about Thieves, but ESTATIC and Eager to try it.

My family has entered into what I am calling the “Thieves Experiment.” I do not want to repeat last year.  My immune system is 10% of a normal person because of the Enbrel I take for Arthritis.

For 6 weeks now, we have been taking Thieves.  I put a couple drops in Rice Milk or my water, we put a drop on my baby’s feet. We have been around numerous people who have been sick and we are well!  If we feel a sore throat, we put some directly in our throat. It is AMAZING! It even kills black mold.

One bottle lasts our family a month.  It is a $35 investment which I am MORE THAN WILLING to pay!  We are healthy!

So, I just wanted to share our Thieves Experiment.  I am tired of pumping my kids with cold medicine, tylenol and motrin.  I am so happy to find an alternative that actually works, and fits my Organic lovin, Granola lifestyle…

If this sounds interesting, and you would like to try it, you can order some from this link:

https://www.youngliving.org/johnsonliving

Scroll down and you will find thieves. I got the basic kit so I could get wholesale prices.  It is Wonderful!