12 years ago today we were supposed to get married. Unfortunately, I went into the hospital with a severe case of e.coli the night before. All our family returned to the mainland and we got married ten days later on the beach, quiet and peaceful, barefoot and simple. Amazing that God can redeem a date.

This trip is more than a gift. It holds Redemption and Restoration. He makes all things New. Embracing the past and courageously weaving it into the present to find something new, wrapped in aloha print and tied with raffia.

I am so blown away by it all! It’s just surreal. My floodgates will open and the weeping will be a Refreshing for my soul.

I sense a season of letting go. I am drifting in a canoe without oars, riding the current of each wave closer to where He wants me.

I want to Learn and Grow and Position myself to Pursue without fear, those Desires that were lovingly placed in my heart. I am like a child waiting with Anticipation…

Fear of Disappointment tries to stake its claim if my Hopes get too high. Reality comes in like a protector, pretending to guard my heart. But the truth is, that if I choose to partner with reality without first filtering it through Hope, then I have nothing but Bondage to a Comfort Zone. I am weary of running in this hamster wheel.

Therefore, if I desire something New, if I desire change, I must first abandon my natural reaction towards seeking this false comfort. I must face these deep, dark places of Pain that I have surrendered to. I must stand with my Sword and sever each one.

Am I strong enough to Face these Giants?

I have Hope and I am Ready. I will Silence fear with my voice. With each step I place in front of the other, I am closer to Victory.

I don’t know why I’m stuck so much in this area.

I believe I have an ability to find Thankfulness in the little things. I know that I Appreciate the basic things as well, like a roof over my head and a place to sleep. There’s just some block I have had to believing there’s Good Things for me, like I don’t deserve it.

This Adventure Drops me to my knees instantaneously. I am Broken in a good way. Receiving that my God has Good things for me…

Still in Wonder, I ponder and contemplate how and why-

But these are the questions I don’t have to figure out. If I try, it just robs me of what’s in the Moment.

I’m human and imperfect and I fail, quite often. Yet, for those little times my Faith rises and I Believe and Hope and Wait… Those little things He sees. Those quiet whispers in my heart I’ve been afraid to confess…

The Hopes and Dreams that we MUST Never let go of because if we do, then we have Nothing to look forward to.

I still can’t believe this is happening and it feels as surreal as a vivid dream.

But it’s so much MORE than just going to Hawaii. I don’t have exact words for it yet, perhaps those will come, but it’s OK if they don’t because it’s what’s happening to my heart.

Seeing the Island boy arise in my man who stops EVERYWHERE to pick a flower for “his lady.” Oh how that melts me. Walls and hurts are slashed away to begin something new… or rather Continue what we started here.

My Desperate cries for Healing and Wholeness are heard. I sense it ushering in a Peace that will drive out the anxiety and stress that had become a stronghold. Making myself Vulnerable again, so I can be Loved and Love like He wants me to.

I’m falling in love with US.

I cannot stop weeping. If you know me, you know the rough few years I’ve had physically, and the strain it’s put on us. We’ve worked really hard and endured and have been faithful.

So as I sit here outside this morning on our first full day with the warm island breeze whipping my hair, wiping the tears off my cheeks, I am broken in a good way. Broken so He can fix me.

Hopefully Broken so I can Receive that He has good things for me, beyond what I may deserve or “performed” to earn. None of that qualifies.

This is Bigger. A Giant Loving Goodness restoring and Healing my heart to Receive that no matter how I feel, if I’m healed or not, my God has Good Things for me.

Let the Floodgates open.

It’s the word I keep hearing.

Like a brief whisper in my heart.

I am drawn to it.

It calls me,

a faint echo in the breeze.

My body cries for it.

Simplify.

Slow down

Rest

Open up and make way for Possibilities.

Soaking…

in the coffee-land memories,

where the stillness of simplicity

was in the

Beauty

of a simple Life.

No running around, Production Crazy Mainland kind of life.

It was Peaceful.

I was mellow.

No, Really.

I know you don’t believe me,

but I was actually

Relaxed.

Well, at least more-so than ever before.

So I sit and ponder and mentally try to grab a Piece of that Peace.

The stillness.

The simple letting go of all the doing.

REST woos me.

I am overtaken by this longing to shake off the materialistic slime and crazy go-go-go that has crept on me. I have felt suffocated by it. It feels like an amusement-park ride that never stops. The revolving door of busyness and schedules and planning and schooling and writing and being a chef  is beginning to shift and slow down. There’s just another way to do life.

…and I miss it.

Desperately.

So I’m taking it down a few notches.

It’s just time.

It’s like inviting people over when your house is messy. It’s  good for you. It’s good for me. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you just get used to it after awhile.

The thing that I’m drawn to the most about this trip, is the Simplicity that awaits.

I’ve had a rough week. I took a hard hit, became very discouraged, and am still in the process of trying to pull myself together. Sorting out what is real can take time.

I have been on my Vegetarian version of the GAPS diet for over 60 days. I was doing pretty good, considering I have been on NO medicine! In the middle of my third week of slowly introducing food, my joints became really stiff, and I re-entered “Pain World.”

Life became really hard, being a Mom became harder, and keeping up with my scientific lab (aka my kitchen) became so overwhelming that I just have to stop.

The Valley is a stark contrast to the Mountaintop, especially when you’re catapulted down so quickly by Discouragement.

I have to admit that the stiffness and pain had been building for a couple weeks. I just kept telling myself that it was a painful process to start moving parts of your body that have been locked up for decades. The question of, “Is it something I’m eating?” just sent me over the edge. Why? Because I knew the answer was “possibly,” and I knew what that meant: going backwards.

I sunk, and I sunk Fast.

I am a Foodie, and I have been just so stinkin’ excited to eat! Period!  This was devastating news to me to realize I needed to take a step back. I have had a week of wallowing in this slimy pit and I am trying to crawl out of it, and keep my mind set on the Hope I have and the Reason I have been doing this whole GAPS thing. It’s hard to see that Billboard when you’re soaking in a dungeon of self-pity.

It’s just food.

Yes, but it’s just BREAKING me Again.

Part of the Process I guess. Can I take an Eagle’s eye view now? Can I throw in some intention and shift my thoughts?

Trying.

I thought I was past facing all these food issues. It seems I have just graced the surface. There’s Deeper ones to be explored. UGH! Am I strong enough to do this? Am I weak enough to admit that I can’t do this alone?

So for now, I have gone back to the first week of zucchini pancakes made with almond butter and eggs, avocado, broth, and an apple between meals. I think I need to just do a  juice fast  for a few days, but I am still “adjusting” and accepting that.

Is my stiffness going away? A little. Is the pain any better? Can’t really tell yet.

I’ll have to give it a week and see what happens.

All I know, is that I just conquered that Mountain, and sitting on that Peak was a dream come true. I could see for miles in all directions. I caught a glimpse of what my life should be like, pain-free; got to taste the freedom for a moment. The fall was rough, the Valley Dark and stifling. It is not where I want to remain. I liked that view I had, I enjoyed the breeze up on that Mountaintop.

I have to make a choice right now where I want to live from. Whether it’s the Valley or the Mountain, I need to have Grace for myself to Process, Time for myself to be Real, and Thankfulness to realize how far I’ve come.

Process and Preparation. You can’t have one without the other.

What would we change if we could look back on the times in our lives where we were in Process? What would change if we were determined to take an Eagle’s view, see the long-term in the moment, and Taste the Fruit of Intentional Labor? I know that I am in Process right now. I believe it is Preparation. The awareness of it right now, is a gift I am just unwrapping.

34 days ago I embarked on this journey. I never imagined going this long on just homemade vegetable broth and fresh juice. I’ve had an occasional egg, or half an avocado, and steamed broccoli just twice. I didn’t know that I would be making water kefir and kimchi and signing up for RAW milk, just so I could make creme fraiche and yogurt. My kitchen has changed so dramatically, I still cannot believe it when I look around.

I may seem cuckoo to some, and to others I am speaking your language. I just needed to admit that I hardly recognize myself and my surroundings, but there’s something appealing about that.

I have been BROKEN repeatedly, and sometimes more than I could bear. It is not easy to deny yourself everything that you love. I am still in my kitchen (which I’m realizing is really my office) for 4 to 5 hours a day. I am touching and smelling and gazing at the wondrous and radiant colors of fresh organic produce and creating yummy food for my family all day long. Hence the breaking…

I’m in Process and I’m being Prepared.

In this Incredible GAPS journey that has turned into a 40 day fast, I have stumbled upon a Glorious Revelation. It’s not really exaggerating to say that I have basically given up EVERYTHING  in the grocery store. Yet in this painful process, I have realized that these choices are creating a Blank canvas on the inside, a New Beginning, when it comes to food and my health. I am being Prepared.

If I have been Broken, then I am put back together by the “what if’s” and HOPES of a NEW Life, one with a Strong and Healthy body…

I have basically been preparing a blank canvas. I am ripping down addictions and habits and idolatry of food. I am experiencing a newfound clarity in how I would like to proceed, and how I would like to dress this canvas. I will get to pick out the colors and textures and brushes.

His Grace has been sufficient for me. There is no way I am sitting here today without it. I would have FAILED the first day.

I am in Process and I’m being Prepared. Just Soaking in that right now, and being Intentional…

I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to have all the GAPS recommended supplements lined up and ready to go. I wanted to have the confidence of knowing what I was doing; to be Fearless and Brave, a Conqueror. I wanted to at least finish reading the book…

…but I didn’t.

I wasn’t any of the above. I was just a girl, who decided to drink carrot juice one morning. I felt really good, so I just kept drinking it. I was “practicing,” and I felt much better, so I just kept going. I had boarded my spaceship and was zooming off toward the stars.

I had taken the plunge. Before I knew it, I was two days in. It felt really easy and I started experiencing this strange new phenomenon… All I wanted to do was go outside for a walk. I just wanted to MOVE around and I had (gulp) Energy! I haven’t felt that in years! I’m serious!

So I just kept going! I got my supplements in the mail, which included fermented cod liver oil (high pitch “EEEK!)  and decided to stay the course. I dove in the book (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) and I am still studying it. It is AMAZING! For anyone who wants to take their health back and set their kids up for success health-wise, please read it!

Here I am, day 6 of mostly juicing green lemonade and carrot-ginger juice, and drinking homemade vegetable broth. My first stop on my adventure finds me lacto-fermenting away. I have coconut milk kefir and water kefir doing their thing, and a 2nd attempt at coconut milk yogurt on the agenda for today. I branched out some more and made ghee (clarified butter).

I feel pretty good. I have moments when I feel “loopy” and times when I feel like I can do anything! I thought I would cry every minute at NOT being able to eat food. Instead, I find myself excited for what is to come! As I walk by the fruit bowl I am excited for an apple with almond butter! I had so much of that for so long I thought I would never want to eat it again!

I have made it this far, around my family who is eating lots of yummy healthy food that I cannot partake of, but that I am preparing. I am touching it, smelling it, breathing it, and you know what? I am OK! I was so scared of that part for so long! Food is my love language, my creative outlet, my passion. It will come back into my life, slowly and carefully, and I will enjoy it. For now, I must do this. There is Grace for it.

I am just taking it hour by hour, and I feel like I can keep going. It isn’t as scary or hard as I thought it would be! I could go back anytime, but I would never know what could have been… This is a ride of a lifetime. For MY life to have a renewed Quality of Life birthed within it.

I don’t remember what it’s like to not have pain, or make choices everyday due to limitations and pain. I don’t remember that freedom. But I want it and this is my way of going after it. It is something I CAN do.

My whole life could change and be so drastically different that I wouldn’t recognize it! This potential and Hope of a Promise keeps me going. It fuels my spaceship to go a bit further. I have to hang on to the dreams that lie ahead…

I am about to embark on a journey. At the end of it, I may find myself completely different- from the Inside-out.. I just may be able to live a more normal kind of lifestyle, without pain, and be more active.

I am trading bondage for Freedom. I am trading “I can’t,” for “I CAN!” It is a scary path to take because it requires me to restrict and deprive myself to the next level… (Insert suspense music here)

The Gut and Psychology Diet (a.k.a. GAPS Diet) is my spaceship. If I get on, my arthritis symptoms and the leaky gut issues that cause them could be left light years away.  I have stood in front of the Glorious shuttle for a few weeks now, taking it all in, adjusting in my own (very emotional) way to the idea of saying ” Goodbye” to food.  (K- I’ll cut down the drama a bit- saying Goodbye to some of my favorite foods)

I have been Gluten-free for 114 days because I have a gluten sensitivity. I have been Vegetarian for years, and Vegan the past two and a half. I just recently started to eat some cheese and I’m miserable. I don’t eat sugar.  My friends call me deprived, and I agree sometimes. I just know my gut is messed up and so I have been severely limited in what I can eat that doesn’t make me sick.

I have survived on nuts and nut butters, seeds, fruit and vegetables, quinoa and brown rice. I have been mostly RAW for a bit too. I eat pretty healthy, but I am just not well.

If I am about to board this vessel of HOPE called the GAPS Diet, I have to let go of more food that I love.

For the first two weeks I will be required to live on broth. Since I’m Vegetarian, I am figuring on a juicing and veggie broth combo. Then, slowly, I will be adding GAPS friendly foods. I already eat mostly this way, so once I get there, it will feel GLORIOUS!  But it’s the journey there…

When you eat like a squirrel, you gotta have SOME vices, right?

Hence my love affair with potatoes and Whirley-Pop popcorn. This is the hardest Goodbye. Dear Kettle Brand Barbeque chips and G’Rilla Bites mashed potatoes and Gravy- Oh how I will miss you so! Dear Whirley-Pop- I will never forget you! It’s Goodbye for now, but not Forever!

See, the purpose of the GAPS Diet is to heal your gut and restore the proper balance of everything so you can properly absorb nutrients and digest food. This could take up to two years.

After 20 years of toxic prescriptions and the Stress of constant Pain, my gut is a disaster. I believe it is the culprit of the arthritis symptoms.

So, out of sheer Desperation to stop being Miserable, and in Hope to have a Future where I can eat Pizza and Tri-tip and not get sick, I am preparing my spaceship for departure.

I just need a few more days to say goodbye to food. I need to make sure I am ready for this journey into the unknown. It is a long goodbye, but it is what I need to do so I don’t fail.

The end goal, the distant galaxy that awaits is one where riding bikes and running with my kids is normal. Where day-to-day “Life” is WITHOUT Pain.

That looks good enough for me to put on that astronaut gear.

Resting IN, (and not fighting) the Hard Days:

My Hard Days continue through the night, where Pain keeps me awake and frustrated. Sometimes I feel a bit Broken by it.

Most of the time I get on here, ready to just spill my guts and then I stop myself because I don’t want to complain.  It can be easier to just withdraw and hide. Since it’s a beautiful sunny day and a perfect time to air out the house, I thought I’d open up the window into my little world for a moment and let the fresh air flush out that stuffy feeling.

The Pain seldom stops when I sit or lay down. You think that would bring an element of ease, however the throbs and aches and screaming pangs of Rheumatoid Arthritis seem to have a mind of their own, despite my efforts of a fortress of pillows for propping, or an intention to seek relief. Sometimes this helps a bit, and the pain level may go down from a 9 to an 8, but most of the time it just rambles on.

You can imagine the frustration of seeking comfort and it just always being out of your reach.

It can be draining and wearisome, then it enters hopelessness and a giving up, eventually adjusting to some freakish resolve to just accept that the pain is there and I must somehow try to live my life standing on top of it and not buried by it. I need to get to that place – the Intentional decision that Despite it, I Can find something, sometimes ANYTHING to hold onto to rise above it. It is not a good thing to let it take over completely. Easy to write about; not so easy to do.

I am in a battle, whether it’s in the mind or in my body. My great revelation for today is this: Resting IN, (and not fighting) the hard days.

This doesn’t mean that I am giving up or swimming in a pool of self-pity. This doesn’t mean that I am useless and unworthy, nor does it give reason to be hard on myself (Thank you Suzanne!).

This means that I can let everything go and my bubble world will not explode or fall apart. I deserve to slow down and simplify. I am NOT defeated. I am just choosing to listen to my body that needs to stop doing so much. Funny how this removes me from Performance and Plunks me right smack dab in the middle of Relationship…

Funny how it’s the Hard Nights that cause me to reflect and be Thankful for the Moments when Comfort comes easier. Out of Brokenness comes a Thankful heart for the things like crawling into bed and finding comfort and actually being able to sleep for a few hours.

I am choosing today, to be Thankful that I’ve only had a few hard days this month. Usually, I only have a few Good ones.

Am I in Transition? Oh no! Could I be Hoping?

I am a masked crusader in my kitchen. In my imaginary lab coat and chef’s hat I create and invent new ways to manipulate RAW food into savory delights that my family will eat, and then ask for again. Yes, I even have my own evil chuckle and grin when I think about it…

Eating RAW is a mission and commitment that takes TIME. Lack of it, is the easiest excuse to not partake. So, in my busy little bubble of home schooling and writing and managing arthritis, I have come to the conclusion that if there will be RAW, it will be EASY. Here are a few easy things you CAN do to get more RAW food into your family’s diet.

Soaking:  It is super easy to soak some cashews or quinoa and then have it for the week.

Soak cashews overnight and then drain and rinse them. They will keep in the fridge in an airtight container for at least 4-5 days. Throw some soaked cashews into smoothies for extra protein and a creamy texture, or blend them up in a dip for veggies.

Soak quinoa overnight and drain and rinse it.  Let it sit in a colander under a towel for a day or two and it will sprout. Sprouted quinoa will last a week in the fridege in an airtight container.  I like to add a couple spoonfulls into my salads and it is really quite filling.  I made a raw lemon tahini sauce this week and put it over sprouted quinoa with some chopped red bell peppers, celery, grated carrots, and avocado.  It was amazing! I also added about a cup of sprouted quinoa into my Buckwheat Bliss cookies. Nobody knew the difference. (Insert evil chuckle here).

One of my greatest, easiest finds this past month that has become a staple in my home, is the “RAW MEAL Organic Meal Replacement” by Garden of Life. It is available at the Health Food store. It is high in protein and contains all RAW Organic Sprouts, Seeds and Greens, and is gluten-free! I mix a Tablespoon into a glass of orange juice, add it to smoothies, and sneak it into my toddler’s almond milk. It makes me HAPPY! Here’s the link to check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Garden-Life-RAW-Meal-2-6lb/dp/B0031JK95S

I am on a path to find love. I have the ability to love others, and give myself away in love. I have experienced what it is like to love the unlovable. I enjoy the feeling of love, and all that is required to love. Honestly though, I do not know how to love myself. I have partnered with self-hatred too long, and I have a really hard time receiving love.

Does it really matter that I have to squeeze into my clothes? Does it really matter that I have dark circles under my eyes, purplish swollen ankles, and a penguin limp? Are my imperfections so vast that I allow my mistakes, blemishes and frizz to destroy the beauty and life in a day? It’s a path to self-destruction when we choose to focus on what we don’t have, what hasn’t happened yet, or dreams we never followed. The stronghold of self-hatred presents itself when I forget who I am and the Destiny that cries out within me.

I often hear, “If you know your identity, then you wouldn’t feel this way.” Probably so. Therefore, I am on a journey to rediscover (not reinvent) myself, and what makes me tick.

All I gotta say for now, is that it is not easy.

When I am in the midst of a giant battle to love myself, especially this body that just seems so dysfunctional and is always in pain with every movement, it is ALL I can do to just STOP and Breathe.

I ask myself this question: What can I be Thankful for?

Sometimes my answer is that I am upright and breathing. Hey- that’s a pretty big one!

Thankfulness is one of my greatest weapons. It has the ability to defeat those microscopic imperfections in our lives. It leads me into Joy, even in the darkest and most painful times. It is like an eraser of circumstances. Thankfulness turns the night into dawn and shines light into the hidden places.

So how can I learn to love myself right where I’m at?

I think I just need to start with Thankfulness.