I’ve been beaten down and weary.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t recognize myself anymore.  I used to be such a fighter.  Somewhere along the way I misplaced my championship belt.

What happened? Why have I resorted to “just taking it?”  It’s like I got so tired of losing that I just laid down and let myself get run over. Not just on a quiet street, but more like on a freeway.

No, I haven’t been hopeless…

Have you ever felt like this?  Where you just get beaten down, stand up, and then get squashed back down?  You crawl back up, get absolutely pummeled, get up again, then get hammered even more? Each time you get on your feet, it’s like there’s another villain waiting to get you.   I’ve had enough.  I’m ready to take the “victim” sign off my forehead. I’m picking up my boxing gloves.

I have just been too weary to stand up again. So it feels like I’ve given up.  Deep down I haven’t though.  I think I just needed a rest! Like that’s so wrong?

This has been the season where my friends are the ones holding me up.   They BELIEVE when I don’t.  They Pray when I can’t.  They HOPE when I can’t see.  They have been RELEASING Faith, Declarations, and Peace over me.  They have been Standing and Fighting FOR ME.

I thought I was fighting.  It’s an all-day, everyday battleground for me.  The first battle I win each day is getting out of bed.  At least I start out Victorious!  I thought I’ve been fighting because I push through and still do so much despite how I feel. I thought I was fighting…

I thought I was a fighter because I used to stand against all the pain and arthritis and just flat out rebuke it.  I spent hours a day doing this.  Am I really supposed to fight this hard?  Is there Grace?  Yes.  Are we “CO-labors?  Are we supposed to Strive for something that’s already been done?

I have been fighting with my actions:  physically NOT accepting my limitations, proving myself to any and all who may see that I am not a lazy, worthless person because I have pain that severely limits my abilities.  So I go Truckin’ along, despite the pain, and that’s how I’ve been fighting.  Yes, I have Faith. But where has it been directed?

I’m just now realizing that I’ve been focusing on the wrong battlefield.

My inner self-talk needs to change.  I need to SPEAK what I don’t see over my hands, my feet, the pain.  I need to tell my feet what they CAN do instead of getting frustrated and focusing on what they can’t. Each struggle throughout the day and all the reality talk in my mind is just downright depressing.  Yes, I have joy.  But does that mean I’m really happy?

Somewhere and Somehow I need to lay down all the disappointments, fears, self-pity and hopelessness.  I just need to get OVER it and GET UP AGAIN!

I’m going to change what I say in my mind about myself, and what I speak out over myself.  There’s power in our words.  Try it and see what happens.

So here I am, STANDING! It’s not a graceful process, but at least I can get up.

Feet, I LOVE you.  You WILL RUN one day.  Hands, I am GRATEFUL for you- you do so much for my family, and you will be able to do it all WITHOUT PAIN someday. Elbows, you have endured the fire.  You are STRONG!  …and Mind….You CAN be RENEWED!