I miss food.  I think about it all the time.  My life revolves around it.  Adding gluten-free to my repertoire of restrictions is causing me to ardently and vigorously practice the Art of Self-Denial.  Everyday.

The first week at Trader Joe’s was ridiculous!  Like a 2-year-old, I had to say “No” to myself at least 20 times as I walked past something I wanted.  It didn’t help that I was limping so bad and moving at snail pace!  All those yummy and satisfying, delectable and savory items were beckoning to me as if seducing my taste buds.

I imagined myself slapping my own hand as I started to reach for something.  My self-control was revealing itself.  Each “No,” made me stronger.  The first three days were the hardest, but by the end of the week I didn’t feel like I was going to “cave” at the sight or smell of something I shouldn’t have.  I could calmly say “No.”  I lived on Lara Bars and apples with almond butter.

Here I am, day 63 into this Crazy Gluten-free, Vegan lifestyle, and I am no longer hanging by a thread… I am holding the scissors, poised to make my move!

If I could only be Vegetarian again!  What a dream!  Oh how I miss bread!  Cheese! Sandwiches! (Been dreaming a LOT about those lately!) I just don’t think I can do this anymore! I feel so whiney and deprived and I MISS FOOD!

Each day, at every meal, I have to deny myself. I have become the Master at self-denial. It is a strange, new form of pain.

The worst part is when I am feeding my baby a piece of perfectly buttered sourdough toast and the warm melted butter oozes between my fingers as I break it into smaller pieces for him to eat.  I envision myself just cramming it all in my mouth!  BUT I CAN’T!!!

I have sat across from my husband in my favorite bakery while he delighted in the BEST FRENCH DIP of his life while I ate a salad.  Did I mention that French Dips used to be my favorite?!!!

It was TORTURE!

I have to enjoy the smell of the foods I can’t have and be satisfied.  It hurts.  It’s not too much fun.  It’s what I’ve got to do right now.

I am moving around better and feeling better!  My pain levels have gone down a couple points, which is intensely AMAZING!  Obviously, I have to tell myself that this is all worth the sacrifice of a few minutes of satisfaction I would get in a piece of bread.

So how do I do this?  How do I say “No” to myself 50 times a day? I have to allow myself some vices.

I can’t give up everything because it feels like I already have. You can’t take my coffee.  You can’t take my red wine.  I am French and I have already given up bread and cheese! You cannot take my dark chocolate. But if you EVER try to take away potatoes I may seriously hurt you!  It’s all I got left!

I have to hold on and keep going.  I feel like these changes are adding years to my life and healing up my gut so I will get better.  For some reason, I have a grace for it Most of the time.  But those moments where I could just end it all and eat an entire loaf of bread?  I have those thoughts! I think about all my favorite foods that have gluten in them ALL the time! I am hoping that this will only last 6 months to a year and then MIRACULOUSLY my gut will be healed and I will be able to digest normal foods again.

For the time being, if you happen to see me staring at your food and you think I may actually attack your plate, you better move because I just might.