My little baby Abraham turned one a few days ago. This one year mark has caused me to think a lot about this past year and the Roller Coaster ride that it was. As I was giving my little one-year-old his bottle at bedtime, I looked down at his sweet sleeping face, adorned with the Mohawk I gave him after his bath.  I was enjoying this moment.  Then I started to cry.

How much have I really been able to enjoy my baby this year?  I have had one of the hardest years of my life with my health.  Was I really able to ENJOY him the way I was supposed to? I began to question everything I’ve done, and I saw myself beginning to take a step on a trail that would ultimately lead to pain.

As his birthday grew near, my husband and I joked about how this was not only a time to celebrate our son turning one, but it was also a marker indicating that we had “survived” this past year.

I just wanted to take a moment and share just a tiny bit of what we experienced.  I am discovering that I tend to not fully let people know how I am REALLY doing.  I hide a lot of it. It’s just easier that way.  But I will try to open up more.  That’s why I’m here…

The Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms slammed me pretty hard about two weeks after Abraham was born.  I found it increasingly difficult to hold my baby due to the pain, stiffness and inflammation throughout my arms. By the time Abraham was 6 weeks old, I could no longer put him in the car and drive. I was suffering from intense joint pain all over and seriously anemic.

I had done research that stated that the hormones from breastfeeding intensified RA symptoms.  My Doctors just told me that I had nursed my baby long enough and I just needed to get back on meds or I would be in a wheelchair.  Same thing they always speak over me.  I had been off of meds for a year and a half- just so I could have this baby.  It was not my intention to get back on that horrible stuff.  This is where Hope and Reality collided.

I made it two more months.  I guess I am stubborn and determined, or maybe I was just clenching on to my last thread of hope.  I hated giving myself a shot once a week.  I hated the side-effects of it.  This was not my plan and I was not ready to yield.  But I had no other choice.

I balled when I nursed my baby for the last time.   I made it five months.  I had to tell myself that I did my best and gave it my all.  I gave Everything I had. Yet I still felt robbed.

This happened with my first son as well.  I suffered for 6 months as stiff as the Tin Man, trying to live and care for an infant. The only way I got through it both times was to intentionally change my mindset to thankfulness.  I had to be grateful that I had the opportunity to breastfeed my babies.  Some women choose not to, or it just doesn’t work out and they are unable to.

I survived letting go and taking my enbrel shots again.  The next hurdle was coming around the corner pretty fast.  I was still heading up to the hospital for iron infusions directly into my blood because I was dangerously anemic.  Then I got my wheels.

The enbrel is supposed to kick in at three months, but it didn’t.  I have had edema all year and have been in agony from my knees down due to the fluid in my legs. I cannot believe how much it hurts all the time!  The edema and RA just make a powerful opponent and I found myself not able to walk at all.  I have to be thankful for the wheelchair.  I have used it more than I like to admit, but I am glad it’s there when I need it.  Getting from point A to point B has never felt so good.

Every day was a battle. Whether it was to smile, to move, to be a mom, or to find Joy within my circumstance, I fought, and I fought HARD.  I can look back and honestly say that I feel I have been victorious.  I lost the battle on many days, let’s be real.  I am human and can only endure so much!  But I WON more than I lost!  I had a secret weapon!

His name is Abraham.

Child of Promise, Born in Faith.  That was my declaration over him when I was pregnant.  He is my promise of Healing and he represents the faith that is buried so deeply inside my heart. He is also something beautiful and healthy and perfect that came out of this body that is none of the above.

Each day his smiles and love and cuteness made me laugh or cry out in thankfulness!  He was worth fighting for!  It took a lot to bring him into this world, but he is my promise.  He is beautiful and has Blessed my family  beyond words.