Feeling Possibilities,

Re-embracing Dreams.

Soaring

to the Vision

of Dreams

beyond my means.

Where the only answer is

His hand

Directing Everything.

…and if we Choose

to Leap in Faith

and Face our Destiny,

the Flight of Life

will reside

in the shadow

of His wings.

So LEAP

little girl

Breathe Deep

Release

and FLY

straight toward

your Dreams…

I’ve had a rough week. I took a hard hit, became very discouraged, and am still in the process of trying to pull myself together. Sorting out what is real can take time.

I have been on my Vegetarian version of the GAPS diet for over 60 days. I was doing pretty good, considering I have been on NO medicine! In the middle of my third week of slowly introducing food, my joints became really stiff, and I re-entered “Pain World.”

Life became really hard, being a Mom became harder, and keeping up with my scientific lab (aka my kitchen) became so overwhelming that I just have to stop.

The Valley is a stark contrast to the Mountaintop, especially when you’re catapulted down so quickly by Discouragement.

I have to admit that the stiffness and pain had been building for a couple weeks. I just kept telling myself that it was a painful process to start moving parts of your body that have been locked up for decades. The question of, “Is it something I’m eating?” just sent me over the edge. Why? Because I knew the answer was “possibly,” and I knew what that meant: going backwards.

I sunk, and I sunk Fast.

I am a Foodie, and I have been just so stinkin’ excited to eat! Period!  This was devastating news to me to realize I needed to take a step back. I have had a week of wallowing in this slimy pit and I am trying to crawl out of it, and keep my mind set on the Hope I have and the Reason I have been doing this whole GAPS thing. It’s hard to see that Billboard when you’re soaking in a dungeon of self-pity.

It’s just food.

Yes, but it’s just BREAKING me Again.

Part of the Process I guess. Can I take an Eagle’s eye view now? Can I throw in some intention and shift my thoughts?

Trying.

I thought I was past facing all these food issues. It seems I have just graced the surface. There’s Deeper ones to be explored. UGH! Am I strong enough to do this? Am I weak enough to admit that I can’t do this alone?

So for now, I have gone back to the first week of zucchini pancakes made with almond butter and eggs, avocado, broth, and an apple between meals. I think I need to just do a  juice fast  for a few days, but I am still “adjusting” and accepting that.

Is my stiffness going away? A little. Is the pain any better? Can’t really tell yet.

I’ll have to give it a week and see what happens.

All I know, is that I just conquered that Mountain, and sitting on that Peak was a dream come true. I could see for miles in all directions. I caught a glimpse of what my life should be like, pain-free; got to taste the freedom for a moment. The fall was rough, the Valley Dark and stifling. It is not where I want to remain. I liked that view I had, I enjoyed the breeze up on that Mountaintop.

I have to make a choice right now where I want to live from. Whether it’s the Valley or the Mountain, I need to have Grace for myself to Process, Time for myself to be Real, and Thankfulness to realize how far I’ve come.

My husband speaks life into me each time he pays me this compliment. It just Anchors me, Deeper. It gives me Hope. It sets me Free. It grounds me and makes all my anxieties and busy thoughts FLEE.

He says I’m one of the strongest people he knows.

My close friends Encourage me when they call out the Strength I have.

Quite honestly, I forget about that kind of Strength.

I seldom consider the Deep Inner Strength that has been Given me. My typical mindset is one LONGING for the Feeling of Strength. I see the Ability all around me to Experience a Physical Strength that I’ve been lacking. One that, quite frankly, I was Robbed of.

Oh how I’ve Wished for it.

Dreamed of it.

Envied it.

Moving Freely, Living in Freedom, devoid of Pain.

The Strength I have has been an Inner Journey, a Battle of Mind and Fesh, my Walk:  in Faith, Hope and Reality.

There’s Circumstance and a Choice. That is quite a Powerful thing. The Right choice to set your mind stems from Thankfulness.

You must ENDURE. You must Persevere. You must Never give up and Never lay down. Realities happen. A choice could signal Redemption.

I’m feeling Strength slowly returning to my body. Each little bit is slow to come, and it requires all the Inner Strength in me that I have to push through Physically.

This is really hard work. I am Pushing myself Harder than before. I feel Broken. But if I’m Broken, then it’s FOR GOOD!

Driven by the Vision that THIS IS IT!

I’m Giving it EVERYTHING I’ve got. This Lifestyle of Self-Denial and Discipline is Strengthening those very muscles.

It is Hard Work to cultivate the Land of Habits. It is quite the process, but You CAN do it. You CAN change Circumstance with Choice.

I will continue to get strong. I will continue to Push myself, and Continue to take care of myself. I see myself doing “normal” Mom things with my kids that I couldn’t do before. It is LIBERATING!

This is Just the BEGINNING.

I have such a LONG Road ahead. I feel like I’ve gotten over the first Mountain. I’ve Conquered SOMEthing; therefore I can Conquer ANYthing.

I am not Alone.

He is with me, Revealing Vivid Pictures of New Realities.

Process doesn’t promise that it won’t hurt, yet the end result finds you Refined and Strengthened.

Prepared.

My kitchen has changed so drastically that I hardly recognize it.  My mindset, when it comes to food, is equally unrecognizable; however Welcome. I have Broken through into this place of Peace and Freedom. It has a high cost and much is required at this point, but the Fruits bear witness that it is ALL worth it!

One of my biggest areas of Realization and Revelation from my 40 day fast was that I was an emotional eater seeking comfort in food, with terrible food patterns and habits that were just ruining my life. I had to admit them and FACE them, Head on! Through the Process of Denying myself these things I have Broken free from their hold.  I feel a healthy mindset when it comes to food.

I can’t confess enough how much I Needed to be Broken. I needed to Face these habits, patterns and wrong attitudes that I lived in. Hitting them Head-On was the only way it could work for me. These have been the Best 47 days of my Life. They have established a New Foundation. One that I have worked so hard to build, that I am Determined NOT to compromise.

I still feel the urges to snack and the longing for comfort food. It can be unbearable at times, but each “no” makes me stronger and I take more ground. The Exchange has been unreal! I feel the habits breaking, the shifting going on, the Strengthening. It is hard at times, but mostly effortless.

I stand here now with an elevated discipline. Part of it is supported by the Hope that I won’t have to eat this way forever. Most of it comes from the overall Blessing of LIVING with Less Pain and experiencing this NEW Ability to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. It’s coming…

I covet the Grace I am in. I ask God daily for MORE, for it to never leave. I’m enjoying the Dialogue, the grip on my life that was previously lacking.

I feel like the Disease is sloughing away and the Real ME is starting to peek out. I have such a long road ahead. This was all just the Screeching Halt and the 180 degree turn around. I am starting my Engine. I am ready to go forward. Momentum is building.

I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, an Opportunity to really change my Lifestyle. All this self-denial has created a platform. It holds New habits and it holds Great Potential, birthed from Giant Sacrifice. It holds Passion for Health and Vitality. It has all been Preparation.

Transformation begins with a willingness to let it.

Process and Preparation. You can’t have one without the other.

What would we change if we could look back on the times in our lives where we were in Process? What would change if we were determined to take an Eagle’s view, see the long-term in the moment, and Taste the Fruit of Intentional Labor? I know that I am in Process right now. I believe it is Preparation. The awareness of it right now, is a gift I am just unwrapping.

34 days ago I embarked on this journey. I never imagined going this long on just homemade vegetable broth and fresh juice. I’ve had an occasional egg, or half an avocado, and steamed broccoli just twice. I didn’t know that I would be making water kefir and kimchi and signing up for RAW milk, just so I could make creme fraiche and yogurt. My kitchen has changed so dramatically, I still cannot believe it when I look around.

I may seem cuckoo to some, and to others I am speaking your language. I just needed to admit that I hardly recognize myself and my surroundings, but there’s something appealing about that.

I have been BROKEN repeatedly, and sometimes more than I could bear. It is not easy to deny yourself everything that you love. I am still in my kitchen (which I’m realizing is really my office) for 4 to 5 hours a day. I am touching and smelling and gazing at the wondrous and radiant colors of fresh organic produce and creating yummy food for my family all day long. Hence the breaking…

I’m in Process and I’m being Prepared.

In this Incredible GAPS journey that has turned into a 40 day fast, I have stumbled upon a Glorious Revelation. It’s not really exaggerating to say that I have basically given up EVERYTHING  in the grocery store. Yet in this painful process, I have realized that these choices are creating a Blank canvas on the inside, a New Beginning, when it comes to food and my health. I am being Prepared.

If I have been Broken, then I am put back together by the “what if’s” and HOPES of a NEW Life, one with a Strong and Healthy body…

I have basically been preparing a blank canvas. I am ripping down addictions and habits and idolatry of food. I am experiencing a newfound clarity in how I would like to proceed, and how I would like to dress this canvas. I will get to pick out the colors and textures and brushes.

His Grace has been sufficient for me. There is no way I am sitting here today without it. I would have FAILED the first day.

I am in Process and I’m being Prepared. Just Soaking in that right now, and being Intentional…

There was a girl who suffered daily and tried her best to make the most out of her life. Intense chronic pain and limitations robbed her repeatedly and stole the basic components and joys of a normal life. She was accustomed to it, so she just learned to live this way. She was miserable inside, yet hope still lived, tucked away in a secret place in her heart.

She worked hard striving to be normal, yet absolutely hating that word. She carried such heaviness that it was hard for others to see who she really was. Pain ruled her life and skewed her reality.

She fought constantly to complete average daily tasks. Everything was a battle because of the Pain. She was always stuck in mental preparation, strategizing how to get through the day.

She longed for freedom. She cried out for the desire to love herself. She continued to dig her well deeper, for it was the only solace; the only sense of comfort. The water from the well nourished her hope and kept it alive.

One day she decided Enough was Enough.

She came to a screeching halt and just stood there for awhile. She knew something had to change or Misery would Prevail. She realized that she had the power to initiate change.

She knew she would fail if He wasn’t in it.

She knew she couldn’t do this without Him.

Grace started to sprinkle down over her, and she mourned for what she knew she had to do. She cried and balled as she laid everything down in that wagon. She was comforted as she hauled it to the throne.

She had been a slave to these things and she hated herself. Disease crippled her ability to see anything good in herself.

She left the wagon with the King and there began an Exchange.

Hope was poured out over her, along with Grace that quenched her from within. Deep Motivation and Passion pumped through her blood. She was so scared but she knew she was not alone. He promised to be there at all times. He promised to carry her.

She began her journey and knew right away that it was right. The Misery left almost immediately. Each new day brought fresh Grace and renewed Strength. She battled and fought and subdued her enemy. Daily.

At one point she saw a piece of Disease fall off. There was something Beautiful underneath it. It was the real her starting to emerge. She embraced this vision and kept going. More Pain, more Disease, and more Limitations began to slough off of her. The Real girl could be glimpsed by others. Most importantly, she could be seen by herself.

She heard a beautiful song, like nothing else she had heard before. Strength, Vitality, and Sheer Joy were singing out to her. The New feeling of Lightness created a Smile. The girl that started to emerge was so different. She actually began to like herself.

This girl has got the Victory. She just climbed the biggest Mountain of her life and in the Process, became unveiled. Nothing can come against her Determination and Passion. She is Strong. She is taking her Health back, with one choice at a time.

She sits here today to Encourage others.

What is YOUR Dream for your Health? Your Family’s?

Whatever it looks like, the Journey is worth every step.

Space:  The Final Frontier…. This is my voyage of the GAPS Diet, Vegetarian style…

Stardate: 21!  Three weeks! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far! This deep galaxy that was unexplored, foreign and scary has become familiar… and comfortable.

Food Habits and Food Addictions. That’s what’s been highlighted to me the past two weeks. I have HOPE that I am re-training myself. I am learning how to eat, and how to LOVE myself through what I put in my mouth… This in itself is a foreign galaxy.

For years I have known that I am an emotional eater with bad habits I’ve been longing to break.

What better time to face these things than when you’re just juicing and drinking broth?!!

When I don’t feel well, eating makes it better. When I’m wiped out at the end of the night, munchies and a movie call… When I see my friends, I want to enjoy their company alongside Amazing food.

All these things have been presenting themselves to me, especially the last two weeks. I have found myself Not wanting to watch a movie because I can’t eat popcorn. Funny. I can’t go out for a “Girl’s night,” because there’s food. Even our weekly Date Night consists of me and my broth going to watch Josh eat. Tragic.

I was Dreaming of my Whirley-pop popcorn and Kettle BBQ chips. Now, I am even redesigning my Dreams. (Yes, I think of Food a lot). I can long for all the Yummy Foods allowed on the GAPS Diet. That’s good; it’s a start. But what good would it be if I didn’t face the roots of my bad food habits:  What drives me to snack? Why have I let it become the Comforter? Do I want to continue these bad habits, or use this time as an Opportunity to reinvent the wheel? Hmmmm… where’s my shovel?

Facing these habits and addictions is pretty brutal. We all know they’re there. But just how many pink elephants do you want in your house?

It is a fight, but it is worth it. Once I get through the screaming “NO” inside my head, it get’s easier. When I partnered WITH it, along came an increased Awareness of these patterns, an Acceptance that it’s NOT GOOD for me, and a Stronger Decision to say “No” with a Deeper Resolve.

I found myself contemplating that I have the Privilege and Power to not only Break these bad habits, but begin NEW ones.

That’s when I realized it’s already happening in me right now. I am learning to LOVE myself in this new way.

Putting food that hurts you into your mouth on a regular basis is Not loving yourself.

Most of the time we don’t know it’s hurting us. We get “used to” the symptoms, and just accept that it’s who we are. “Not Well” has been my normal. I have done my best to live FROM that place for too long. There’s only so much Quality of Life that resides in that place. I want MORE! I want to feel GOOD and AMAZING and LIVELY!

Emotionally and Mentally I am MUCH better! I now realize how much food was poisoning me on the inside, even though I ate really healthy. Physically I am really tired, but I am eating an egg each day, and moving into some blended soups this week.

My goal is to move slow, stay the course, and let these new habits take over. It’s all about Baby steps. I am a little blue engine, chugging along in this GAPS Universe, cruising around and enjoying the Beautiful scenery: the Luscious Fruit of Choice.

Facing Food Addictions and habits has been a part of my journey and process. It is not easy, but the time is NOW because I CAN do something about it.

There’s definitely an Exchange waiting for me. It’s time to say “Goodbye” to some of my pink elephant friends.

Great sacrifice has a high exchange rate.

Birthing a child requires great sacrifice. Parenting requires even more. Not only do we, as Mom’s, bear intense pain and forever changes to our bodies (hello issues), but as Parents, we find ourselves quite often in a place where MORE is required than we have to give.

Enter the Exchange.

We must remember the inheritance we are pouring into. We must never forget that they are only little for a short time. Our social lives will come back eventually, along with the vocabulary to speak to other adults… We must never lose sight that it is ALL worth it: every ounce, pound and ton of ourselves that we pour out. Even when we run dry and it takes a massive wringing out to get that last drop, it is all worth it. It is our privilege.

The Exchange.

We must never lose sight of what we gain in the midst of sacrifice.

I have given up my favorite foods for the next two years. It has been 14 days today, of broth and juicing, with an occasional half avocado. Do I miss food?

Not really.

Why?

Because of the Exchange.

I don’t remember feeling this good inside. I don’t remember saying that I feel “Amazing.” I can bend my big giant finger for the first time in 5 years. All I want to do is walk and be active. I am feeling strength bubble up within me, like I’ve tapped into some sacred well.

I call myself “loopy” at times, but it is a good place to be. My issues are on vacation, and you know what? I don’t want them to come back for awhile. I feel the most clarity that I have ever felt. I feel like there’s a portal at my head and a well at my feet. I am covered in Grace. There is no way I could do this alone.

There is a lot required to take on the GAPS thing and heal my gut. I never dreamed of making it this far. I only let Hope in to give it a shot. I am now Fiercely determined to give it my Best and My ALL. There is New Life at stake. My New Life. This is driving me.

It is a Giant sacrifice, but it is worth it when there is a good Exchange rate.

I don’t ever want to forget how hard it’s been; how daily motherhood has taken more than I had by 10 am, yet I still had all day to go. I don’t ever want to forget the pain, limitations and fish bowl of “I can’t.” I don’t ever want to forget the sleepless nights and wheelchair seasons. I don’t ever want to forget all the LOVE poured out over me by friends and family who helped through it all. I don’t ever want to forget how my Amazing Man stood by my side, in Love, and became my Hero. I don’t ever want to forget because I don’t want to lose sight of Thankfulness.

Hope and Joy live in Sacrifice. Purpose unveils Passion. There’s so much Beauty in it all. Deep inside, GRACE resides.

Is there something keeping you in bondage? Think upon the Exchange. Grab it… just make a good trade.

I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to have all the GAPS recommended supplements lined up and ready to go. I wanted to have the confidence of knowing what I was doing; to be Fearless and Brave, a Conqueror. I wanted to at least finish reading the book…

…but I didn’t.

I wasn’t any of the above. I was just a girl, who decided to drink carrot juice one morning. I felt really good, so I just kept drinking it. I was “practicing,” and I felt much better, so I just kept going. I had boarded my spaceship and was zooming off toward the stars.

I had taken the plunge. Before I knew it, I was two days in. It felt really easy and I started experiencing this strange new phenomenon… All I wanted to do was go outside for a walk. I just wanted to MOVE around and I had (gulp) Energy! I haven’t felt that in years! I’m serious!

So I just kept going! I got my supplements in the mail, which included fermented cod liver oil (high pitch “EEEK!)  and decided to stay the course. I dove in the book (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) and I am still studying it. It is AMAZING! For anyone who wants to take their health back and set their kids up for success health-wise, please read it!

Here I am, day 6 of mostly juicing green lemonade and carrot-ginger juice, and drinking homemade vegetable broth. My first stop on my adventure finds me lacto-fermenting away. I have coconut milk kefir and water kefir doing their thing, and a 2nd attempt at coconut milk yogurt on the agenda for today. I branched out some more and made ghee (clarified butter).

I feel pretty good. I have moments when I feel “loopy” and times when I feel like I can do anything! I thought I would cry every minute at NOT being able to eat food. Instead, I find myself excited for what is to come! As I walk by the fruit bowl I am excited for an apple with almond butter! I had so much of that for so long I thought I would never want to eat it again!

I have made it this far, around my family who is eating lots of yummy healthy food that I cannot partake of, but that I am preparing. I am touching it, smelling it, breathing it, and you know what? I am OK! I was so scared of that part for so long! Food is my love language, my creative outlet, my passion. It will come back into my life, slowly and carefully, and I will enjoy it. For now, I must do this. There is Grace for it.

I am just taking it hour by hour, and I feel like I can keep going. It isn’t as scary or hard as I thought it would be! I could go back anytime, but I would never know what could have been… This is a ride of a lifetime. For MY life to have a renewed Quality of Life birthed within it.

I don’t remember what it’s like to not have pain, or make choices everyday due to limitations and pain. I don’t remember that freedom. But I want it and this is my way of going after it. It is something I CAN do.

My whole life could change and be so drastically different that I wouldn’t recognize it! This potential and Hope of a Promise keeps me going. It fuels my spaceship to go a bit further. I have to hang on to the dreams that lie ahead…

I am about to embark on a journey. At the end of it, I may find myself completely different- from the Inside-out.. I just may be able to live a more normal kind of lifestyle, without pain, and be more active.

I am trading bondage for Freedom. I am trading “I can’t,” for “I CAN!” It is a scary path to take because it requires me to restrict and deprive myself to the next level… (Insert suspense music here)

The Gut and Psychology Diet (a.k.a. GAPS Diet) is my spaceship. If I get on, my arthritis symptoms and the leaky gut issues that cause them could be left light years away.  I have stood in front of the Glorious shuttle for a few weeks now, taking it all in, adjusting in my own (very emotional) way to the idea of saying ” Goodbye” to food.  (K- I’ll cut down the drama a bit- saying Goodbye to some of my favorite foods)

I have been Gluten-free for 114 days because I have a gluten sensitivity. I have been Vegetarian for years, and Vegan the past two and a half. I just recently started to eat some cheese and I’m miserable. I don’t eat sugar.  My friends call me deprived, and I agree sometimes. I just know my gut is messed up and so I have been severely limited in what I can eat that doesn’t make me sick.

I have survived on nuts and nut butters, seeds, fruit and vegetables, quinoa and brown rice. I have been mostly RAW for a bit too. I eat pretty healthy, but I am just not well.

If I am about to board this vessel of HOPE called the GAPS Diet, I have to let go of more food that I love.

For the first two weeks I will be required to live on broth. Since I’m Vegetarian, I am figuring on a juicing and veggie broth combo. Then, slowly, I will be adding GAPS friendly foods. I already eat mostly this way, so once I get there, it will feel GLORIOUS!  But it’s the journey there…

When you eat like a squirrel, you gotta have SOME vices, right?

Hence my love affair with potatoes and Whirley-Pop popcorn. This is the hardest Goodbye. Dear Kettle Brand Barbeque chips and G’Rilla Bites mashed potatoes and Gravy- Oh how I will miss you so! Dear Whirley-Pop- I will never forget you! It’s Goodbye for now, but not Forever!

See, the purpose of the GAPS Diet is to heal your gut and restore the proper balance of everything so you can properly absorb nutrients and digest food. This could take up to two years.

After 20 years of toxic prescriptions and the Stress of constant Pain, my gut is a disaster. I believe it is the culprit of the arthritis symptoms.

So, out of sheer Desperation to stop being Miserable, and in Hope to have a Future where I can eat Pizza and Tri-tip and not get sick, I am preparing my spaceship for departure.

I just need a few more days to say goodbye to food. I need to make sure I am ready for this journey into the unknown. It is a long goodbye, but it is what I need to do so I don’t fail.

The end goal, the distant galaxy that awaits is one where riding bikes and running with my kids is normal. Where day-to-day “Life” is WITHOUT Pain.

That looks good enough for me to put on that astronaut gear.